7 Chaste Hallowe’en Costumes that Will Have All the Lords Saying ‘Eww, I Would Only Marry Her for Her Dowry’
Chaste to the maxe
Witches, hags, and hideous olde crones need not be the only ladies dressing up for Hallowe’en. Whilst it is uncouth and also illegal to make thyself look even remotely attractive, there are plenty of austere, self-denying costume options out there. Herein be seven of the chastest costumes that will have all the lords at the Hallowe’en Ball looking at thee and saying, “Eww, gross. I would only marry her for her dowry.”
1. Womyn Who Does Not Want to Sire Male Heirs
A quick solution for ladies looking for a last minute costume. Simply hang a sign ‘round thy neck declaring thy lack of desire for childbirth, legitimate male heirs especially. Since most of the partygoers cann’t read, make sure to bring up thine aversion to procreation frequently in conversation.
2. Nurse, Which Is Unattractive Because Womyn Are Not Allowed to Have Jobs
E’eryone at the Ball shall be taken aback by thy bold impiety. How dare thee suggest womyn be permitted to do things? As alluring as thy nurse costume may be, the idea of womyn being allowed to have jobs is a total turn off.
3. Chastity Belt with Multi-factor Authentication
No mere skeleton key shall unshackle the chains to thy holy sanctuary! Nay, opening this chastity belt requires a key, a password which must be changed thrice e’ery fortnight, and a one tyme unlocking code sent to thy potential lover by pigeon.
4. Virgin Widow Nun Dove
A difficult combo to get right. But if thou dost pull it off, no lord shall so much as glance in thy direction unless thy dowry is considerable.
5. The Bible
A costume so demure that merely looking at thee will cause all the lords’ reproductive organs to cease functioning. Respond to any advances with thy favourite Bible quote about the dangers of promiscuity. If he asks thee to dance, cast thine eyes downward and say:
“We must not indulge in sexual immorality as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in a single day.”1
6. A Wall of Cold Granite
Cold. Plain. Unmoving. Stand in the corner looking stale and dead. Extra points if thou art the drab, unadorned wall of a monastery.
7. An Unwed Maiden Who Has Already Turned 19 and Thus Is Far Too Olde to Marry
This costume just screams “My agéd womb is as coarse and barren as the desert sands.”
1 Corinthians 10:8