Medieval HOA: SVU 2 - Sniveling Boogaloo
Formula Goat, Shield Walls, and Selling-Men Ahoy
If You Build It, a Goat Will Come
To Whom it May Concern at the Hovel Owner’s Association,
Prithee, may I construct a goat track for my son, Garson Burpwhiff the Younger? He is a talented goat jockey and, with training, anon may strike down those of the nearby fiefs. We keep his body light by feeding only the goat.
The proposed track would be a long straight down the hedge on the common green, then a turn at the end to return the contrary direction and two large round bulbous turns to connect once again at the base.
It looks a bit like a very strong flexed bicep and manly forearm. The shape doth fill my goodly wife with mirth every time I draw it in the dirt. I know not why and she will not say.
Thank you in advance,
Garson Burpwhiff the Elder
Fifty Shades of Trebuchet
Visited 22C upon your orders, m’lud. Saw to covering unauthorized window. Was able to match the color of the hovel after a quick trip to the physician.
Tenant pointed out that the original hole in the wall was made by incoming trebuchet fire, and, to save time, suggested I add hinges either side of the window cover so that it can be opened in case of trebuchet attack, thus letting projectiles pass thru, sparing the wall.
Also suggested a nice leaded glass arrangement in the window so that incoming fire could be spotted on the way.
I expect you’ll be quite pleased with my work,
Week-End Knight and Full-Time Facilities Crew Jorgensson
In Which The Market Doth Come to You
To The Cheese-ankled So-Called Hovel Owner’s So-Called Association,
Why upon thine own souls do you wool-brained toads place signage around the fief that sayeth, “Selling-Men will be Slain” if thou dost do nary about them?
A selling-man rapped upon my portcullis yestereve and when I bade him remove mine nayme from his scroll he did produce nearly a score of scrolls from his satchel.
Upon which he spake, “From which scroll shall I strike your nayme, good lady?”
As if it is not my wish to be removed from all scrolls of all selling-men!
I demand the HOA address this situation forthwith.
Valtesse de La Boing
A Most Loving Letter
Thou hath those apple bottom skirts,
Boots with the fur, (alack! the fur!)
Forsooth the whole guild is looking at her
She struck the floor, (she struck the floor)
And the pi-rats said, yo, ho, yo, ho
That is what is known as a love poem, my juicy-breasted plum. Though some may call this wyzardsplaining, verily I knowe maidens and their breasts appreciate having things spelled out to them.
I write to you today to reveal myself, and not in the way that got me thrown out of Glenbarfin. No. Today I reveal myself as your suitor! Thou art most welcome.
Through my towering powers of deduction I have divined that the doofus Hentch Mann will go to see you about his toe and will probably let the goose out of the sacke any-hoot. I may as well be direct.
When can I expect to begin ensmoochening you?
Wyzard of Love
To Shield Wall or Not to Shield Wall
Pardon me for a rushed inquiry my lord(s) but, as a military man, I like to do things by the scroll.
Does the shield wall count as a wall for which we need HOA say-so? Rather a lot of the enemy are storming through here as my scribe writes this. A few have stabbed him.
Your timely reply most welcome,
On The Matter of Baked Goods and Nudie Doodlers
Please accept my apologeye. I have failed you.
Due to your many years of endoodling my danglibles and our shared mirth over my donkey-braying I feel we have formed a mutual respect of a sort, if not a friendship.
For this reason, and my concern regarding further floppification, it pains me most keen that I was unable to convince Lord Talbotshire of the danger regarding the bakery/whorehouse situation.
Know ye well this. For added emphasis, I wouldst clap between each of these words were I speaking in person.
He. Appears. Convinced. He. Received. Bagels. And. They. Were. Good.
Further, I have it on good authority that the town will need a lot of cake for the coming block party and social beheading. I fear many more people will come to the whorehouse expecting baked goods.
I have not the merest distant mist-beast of an idea what to do. I leave it in your capable hands.
P.S. I regret writing “capable hands” above. Too on-the-nose, mayhap. But I deteste editing.
P.P.S. I hope I might still receive giddy-tiddling
A Meetinge with a Most Terrible Wytch
Visited the witch. She was not really a witch at all, but a very nice lady.
She pointed out that a toe could never really be a leech and that Randywine probably just tricked me by being a disgusting “bow-foon” (?)
She said she’d had such success with her garden because she’d taken to singing to her plants. She ne’er meant to disrupt and will keep it quieter hither-with.
She also helped me think of a new name. And gave me a green pepper to eat. She is quite lovely.
Matter resolved re: witch.
Harold “formerly Hentch” Mann
A Secret Note
I have about as much interest in you as a romantic partner as building material.
I have learned from certain sources that you had the unspoilt audacity to threaten certain enemies using my dragon. I should have expected nothing less from the Revolting Menace of Glenbarfin.
As you are technically a fellow magick user, and out of respect for my forebears, I have not caused you to explode.
You might have blown my cover. You have endangered my life.
By now you are noticing your hands are both holding this note. They will place it in the fire. As it burns you will forget you ever knew me.
You will forget you ever knew magick. And you will pay your HOA fees.
Go forth and be less revolting.
The Laughing Gallows is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.