The Dos and Don’ts of Seeing Thy Goat-headed Ex-boyfriend at the Séance
How to survive those awkward séance run-ins
No witch wants to run into her ex unexpectedly. But if thou dost attend enough séances at midnight under the eldritch glow of a blood moon, chances are it shall happen eventually.
Worry not! Running into thy ex and his sexy baphomet bod doth not have to cause a crisis. Herein be some dos and don’ts of running into thy goat-headed ex-boyfriend at a séance.
DO focus on getting into a spellbound trance
Goat boy expects that thy attention shall be focused on him and his hairy, ornately-tattooed-with-pagan-symbols abs. Don’t let him win! Let thy mind and body fall into a stupefied spellbound trance that causes thee to stumble ‘round the fire in a fitful daze, ignoring his perfect half-man physique.
DO bring another bovine-headed date to the séance
Tyme to make that olde goat jealous! Show up to the séance with an even hotter goat-faced date to show him thou hast moved on. Humanoid hybrid creatures with goat legs, tails, and/or udders work, too.
DO wear the perfectly sinister witch outfit
Make him regret what he’s missing out on. You know how much he loves to munch on brooms, so bring a particularly bristly witch’s broom and flaunt it in front of his weird little square eyes.
DO sit it out
If you don’t think you can keep your frenzied witch urges in check upon seeing thy ex, it might be best to stay home, watch some stuff in thy orb, and practice a little self-care by boiling the bones of thy other exes in a cauldron.
DON’T caress his horns, as perfect as they may be
We know his horns are nigh on irresistible, but resist thy urge to caress and lick their spirally perfection. It may seem like a goode idea now, but thou shall regret it at first light.
DON’T make a scene and scream at him in goat-tongue
Letting him push thy buttons and flying into a goat-like rage plays right into his game. Stick to screaming at him in Latin, Olde Elvish, or other languages more appropriate for a séance fight.
DON’T drink too much mystery potion
You want to have fun, true, but not so much fun that thou makes a fool of thyself and ends up spending the night on the floor of the privy. Drink a little mystery potion and have a goode tyme, but be sure to swap every other drink with non-mystery potion to keep thy senses in check.
DON’T vomit on the sacred amulet.
You know how much vomitting turns him on, but ‘tis not a goode look to do so on the sacred amulet. Never mind that doing so shall curse thy soul for eternity. If you need to projectile vomit as part of the ritual, do it on his chest then wipe thy lips clean in that seductive manner that drives him feral.
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