Art Thou a Horse Girl, a Girl Horse, or a Female Centaur?
Take ye quizze and finde out!
Art thou obsessed with all things equine? Wouldst thou rather be prancing throughst a meadow than dining in the Royal Banquet Hall? Doth thy bedchamber reek of hay and moist dung?
If so, chances are horse makes up a not insignificant portion of thy personality and/or anatomy. Takest this quizze to find out if thou art a horse girl, a girl horse, or a boorish female centaur.
What’s the first thing thou does upon rousing in the morn?
A. Saddle up!
B. [Ignores question and gallops out of room.]
C. Find an unsuspecting and lithe young man to abduct and drag to my lair deep in the Wōdewoode Forest.
What is thy favourite foode?
B. [Whinnies unintelligibly.]
C. Oats, but more of them. Plus a flagon of sacred wine.
Dost thou oft bite people?
A. Yea, but only as a sign of affection.
B. [Attempts to bite person.]
C. Yea, but only when they refuse to be dragged to my lair.
How wouldst thou describe thy gait?
A. Bowlegged, but humanoid.
B. [Huffs and tosses head.]
C. Somewhere between a trot and a canter.
Is thy best friend a horse?
A. Indeed! My dearest Gustave is my foremost and only companion.
B. [Kicks over pail of water.]
C. My only friends are the lithe young fellows I abduct.
Mostly As. Congratulations, thou art a horse girl! Thy obsession with horses is peculiar and, frankly, quite sad. But thou probably cares not so long as thou hast thy dear Gustave by thy side!
Mostly Bs. Based on thy incomprehensible horse-like responses, chances are thou art a girl horse. Get it girl horse!
Mostly Cs. Thy predilection towards abducting people and dragging them to thy forest lair means that thou art a boorish Centauride. Best of both worlds!
Addendum: Famous Centaurs
Centaurs were creatures from Greek mythology with a human upper body and horse lower body. They also feature in Roman mythology and are depicted in medieval art and literature, although most of the famous ones originally come from Greek myths. Here’s a summary of a few of them.
1: Eurytus. The centaur that sets in motion a whole series of troubles for his kind. The centaurs are invited by the Lapith tribe to a wedding. They drink too much wine, and in an inebriated centaur rage Eurytus abducts the bride. The rest of the centaurs follow suit and start abducting the female wedding-goers. The Lapiths don’t take too kindly to this, and a drunken brawl-cum-battle breaks out, which is known as the Centauromachy. A bunch of centaurs are killed, and the rest are forced to flee, due in part to help from the hero Theseus on the side of the Lapiths.1
2: Pholus. Some time later, Hercules/Heracles2 is visiting his centaur friend Pholus in his centaur cave. Unlike most other centaurs, Pholus is considered wise and human-like (as is Chiron below). Hercules opens a bottle of sacred wine and the scent attracts some nearby regular centaurs, who go into their normal alcohol-induced centaur rage and storm the cave. Hercules kills a bunch of them with poison arrows dipped in Hydra venom, and the rest flee, with Hercules in pursuit. Pholus pulls a poison arrow out of one of the centaur corpses to inspect it but accidentally drops it on his hoof and dies instantly, seriously calling into question his wisdom.3
3: Chiron. Meanwhile, the fleeing centaurs gather around Chiron, the wisest and most famous centaur of them all. Chiron is a “good” centaur in that he generally doesn’t abduct people’s wives, he’s the immortal son of a god, he’s friendly towards humans, and he’s also Hercules’ good friend. That doesn’t stop Hercules from launching more poison arrows at them, one of which hits Chiron in the knee. Hercules feels really bad about this and tries to give Chiron some medicine, but it doesn’t work. Chiron, being immortal, can’t die. But the pain from the poison is so unbearable that he ends up trading his immortality to Prometheus, which I guess is something you can do. He dies and becomes a constellation or two (Centaurus and Sagittarius are both centaurs; different traditions say both or either represent him). The surviving centaurs flee again. One of them is…
4: Nessus. Nessus has been present at all of the events thus far, and just can’t seem to catch a break. That doesn’t really change now, although he does get his revenge in the end. Predictably, Nessus tries to abduct Hercules’ wife Deianira, because abducting wives is just what centaurs do. Hercules talks a bunch of trash to him about how he’s Hercules and abducting his wife just isn’t going to fly, then shoots him with a poison arrow dipped in Hydra venom. Nessus dies, but with his dying breath he gives Deianira his centaur-blood-stained vest and says it can “rouse love’s passion” (aka make Hercules very horny). For some reason she trusts him enough to hang onto the vest. Some years later, Hercules is having an affair with a woman named Iole. Deianira gets jealous and tries to “rouse his passion” by making him wear the blood-stained centaur vest. Hercules puts the vest on and dies a pretty agonizing death because of the Hydra venom.4
5: Eurytion. If you were to guess “he abducts someone’s wife then is killed by Hercules” you’d be wrong. He merely tries to marry someone’s daughter by force and then is killed by Hercules, thus cementing the timeless lesson: “If you’re a centaur, don’t hang out with Hercules.”
6: Hylonome. The best-known female centaur. Surprisingly not killed by Hercules. Her husband (also a centaur) is killed by a javelin during the Centauromachy battle (she’s pictured in the center of the painting above holding him). She’s so heartbroken that she pulls the javelin out and kills herself with it before Hercules has a chance to get to her.
Addendum, Part II: How to Survive as a Centaur
From the stories above, we can draw a few valuable lessons to follow if you’re a centaur and want to live:
Don’t hang out with Hercules. Whether intentional or not, he will end up killing you, probably with Lernaean Hydra-poisoned arrows.
Don’t drink wine. Don’t even smell wine. Bad things happen when you mix centaurs and wine.
Keep a phial of Lernaean Hydra antivenom on you at all times. See lesson #1 above.
Don’t go to weddings. If you do go to a wedding, don’t abduct anybody. The latter also applies to non-centaurs.
Ovid, Metamorphoses, Book XII, http://classics.mit.edu/Ovid/metam.12.twelfth.html
Hercules is the Roman name for the Greek hero/demigod Heracles.
Apollodorus, Library, 2.5.4. Traditionally attributed to Apollodorus, but probably not written by him. http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0022%3Atext%3DLibrary%3Abook%3D2%3Achapter%3D5%3Asection%3D4
Ovid, Metamorphoses, Book IX, http://classics.mit.edu/Ovid/metam.9.ninth.html