Thank Us Later: If You Overpaid on Taxes This Year, Instead of Sending a Tax Refund The King Will Send This Goat Guy to Hit You With a Bludgeon
His Majesty’s benevolence knoweth no bounds!
‘Tis about tyme our hard-earned tax dollars finally pay off: The King hath just decreed that if you overpaid on taxes this year, instead of sending you a tax refund He will send this goat guy to your house to hit you with a bludgeon.
You can thank us later.
If you’re like us, you’re probably tired of the Govournment giving you money that they took from you and was yours in the first place. So boring. What’s not boring is having a satyr-like creature show up at your doorstep and cudgel you to death with a blunt object.
“What a relief,” spake one happy taxpayer. “I awakened this morning expecting to receive a satchel of silver groats as my tax refund, but instead this goat guy kicked in my door then broke my collarbone with a hammer.”
What’s even better is this costs the Kingdom’s taxpayers not a dime: the goat guy has offered to bludgeon any and all taxpayers free of charge!
For those who prefer to receive their tax return in forms other than a goat guy with a bludgeon, the Archchairsitters of the Exchequer have offered the following alternatives, so long as you have filled out the appropriate forms with your local tax collector:
Swarm of bees
IOU (I, The King, Owe You nothing)
2 years of mandatory military service
Swimming lessons in the Royal Moat (only available during Moat Monster feeding tyme)
Start a tax rebellion and see what happens (thy tax form must include the names and home addresses of all prospective rebels)
So if you find yourself wondering what to do with this year’s tax return, wonder no longer. You shall receive nothing. Sit tight and wait for the goat guy. He shall be at thy home presently.
Weird: These Subjects All Died of Natural Stab Wounds Days After Refusing to Pay Their Taxes
All subjects of The Crowne know ‘tis a capital cryme to avoid paying one’s taxes. But it seemeth that in this case Nature itself hath taken care of the cryminals: Just days after all these people refused to pay their taxes, they died of natural stab wounds all o’er their bodies.
Calleth it weird if thou wants, but wethinks it be Fate.
“The Kingdom hath seen many a death fromme natural stab wounds in the past, and doctors doth refer to it as ‘the stabbing sickness,’” sayeth Esteemed Lecturer-at-Large Philator Pumbus. “The typical causes rangeth fromme fomenting rebellion, to blaspheming The King’s Name, to reading without a permit. Refusing to pay taxes is amongst the most virulent strains of the disease.”
The results of these 100 percent natural deaths were ultimately positive, for within a twelvehour survivors who were previously suffering from late tax payments found themselves suddenly recovering and lining up at their local tax collector for treatment.
If thou wert thinking of greedily holding onto thy monies despite this spate of totally natural occurrences, beeth thee warned that the stabbing sickness is highly contagious amongst tax evaders.