Please Stop Complaining About the Horse Parking Lot We Razed Thy Homes to Build

The HOA of Garthbrook addresses some vexing complaints

Dearest vassals, after a brief reprieve, welcome back to the latest installment of our HOA series with

Jim Hodgson

of

The Laughing Gallows

. Read the previous installments hereabouts.

HEAR YE! HEAR YE! I HEREBY CALL TO ORDER THE HOVEL OWNERS AſSOCIATION OF THE MARGRAVATE OF GARTHBROOK.

Dull peasants of Garthbrook,

It is my solemn honour to once again be here above you, expatiating on behalf of our most esteemed HOA. 

Since we last spoke, much progress hath been made around the fief. For one, the horse parking lot (including the section for VIP horse parking) is nigh on complete. Thanks to all the hardworking slaves that built it on time and under budget! Just don’t ask for any promotions to not-a-slave, because slave promotion season has already passed.

Much to my chagrin, the old HOA – which was justly driven out due to incompetence and hole-y ramparts – is still at large. The pathetic Lord Spearl Talbotshire and his ilk remain a thorn in my side, but I am confident we shall find them and eliminate them in due course, in accordance with HOA bylaws, which were recently modified specifically to state that former HOA leadership must be executed (Sorry, not my call, that’s just what the bylaws say). Remember, if you happen to come across any former HOA members you are required by law to stab them on the spot or risk a hefty fine. 

Now, I hear some folks in the back complaining, “But m’lord, thou hast fined us heftily already!” And this is true. We have merely fined thee in anticipation of the many bylaws which you are sure to violate in the future, being the obstinate peasants that you are. You are welcome to file a complaint with our HOA Secretary Valtesse de La Boing, with the obvious caveat that filing a complaint is also a fineable offense. 

Whilst the day-to-day functionings of this fief and its vassals are of little concern compared to much more important matters — such as setting up the beheading booth at our new moat monster-themed amusement park Drowntowne — I ne’ertheless find it prurient to respond to the many trifling letters thou hast written. 

Henceforth, I shall address each of thy concerns in turn. But first, we shall turn to new business.

NEW BUſYNEſS 

• Fall Leaf Disposal. ‘Tis autumn, and that means the grounds are littered with many-coloured leaves that must be raked into heaps and disposed of. However, the grounds are also littered with body parts that were severed or otherwise fell off during the siege. We’ve noticed that these body parts have been making it into the leaf piles uninvited. Moving forward, please be sure to sort thy leaves and body parts into separate piles for disposal.

• Lovesick Crooners with Lyres. Fall is also the season for lovesick crooning young lads with lyres to croon outside of fair maidens’ windows through all hours of the chill dark night. We have received many noise complaints thus far, so please keep thy crooning to a respectable level after evening prayer.

• Fusty Perfume Merchant. We have also received complaints about a perfume merchant on Midden Street who sells perfume that smells like midden. Not only do his eaus de cologne reek of midden, it appears they might actually be midden. Considering his perfumery is located on Midden Street, this should not come as much of a surprise. Honestly, ‘tis hard to tell the scent of midden from the generally foul peasant scent that lingers in one’s nostrils at all hours of the day as is, but we prefer to keep such fragrances far from our noble personages.

• Inclusivity Initiative. It hath been brought to the HOA’s attention that our slaves were drawn solely from the previous serf and peasant population. In the name of inclusivity, henceforth all non-noble residents of the fief shall be slaves. We believe everyone deserves the opportunity to build something great without receiving any money or recognition in return. That, and the last batch of slaves had this unfortunate habit of dying or running away – can’t imagine why – and we need to replenish their numbers.

HOUſING FOR THE PEAſANTS TO KEEP THEM OUT OF ſIGHT

Whilst the construction of the horse parking has been a resounding success according to all of the metrics our Board of Directors cares about, we nonetheless continue to receive complaints about thy “houses” having been “demolished.” 

One such complaint regards the slaves/peasants employed in construction of the horse parking lot sleeping under the horses thereabouts, seeing as they now lack homes. They are becoming an eyesore for the horses, as well as for those whose eyes would be put to much better use in parking their horses and looking at pretty things. We put a lot of effort into this project, and we hate to see it ruined by a few sickly blemishes fouling the scenery. 

We are happy to announce that we have identified a plot of land where these workers can build new homes. It is located in the fetid, uninhabitable swamp where we drained the brackish waters from the old moat, far out of eyesight of important people and horses. If all slaves would kindly remove themselves to their new quarters and get away from our horses, this would be much appreciated.

A TRANſPORTATION PROPOſAL

One Gordon Bundtlickler hath proposed a new business model wherein the peasants would pay one another for rides around the fief on their own carts and pack animals, and the HOA would take a cut of the profits. Mssr. Bundtlicker’s proposal would be funded by the Lord of Salty Abradia, who presumably would provide salt for the pack animals and peasants to lick en route.

Whilst we appreciate the proposal to bring more coin into the HOA’s coffers, we are afraid this proposal hath been shot down. We may or may not have commandeered all of the peasants’ pack animals and burnt their carts for the big Sturgeon Moon Bonfire Party we did a while back. 

And it’s much funnier to watch them walk everywhere.

That said, the HOA is open to considering charging a fee for each mile the peasants have to walk. This sounds like a win-win which may meet the spirit of the original proposal. What say ye?

AN ANGRY LETTER 

Father Thomas Kindly writes:

“This town has really gone to hell. I miss the old HOA with the usual beheadings. You lot with your discounts and coupons make me sick.”

There is no room on this fief for those who do not respect the value of a good coupon. On that note, we are offering a 25% off coupon to Drowntowne for anyone who throws Father Kindly in the moat. This offer is only valid if you can provide proof that he was eaten by the moat monster and not otherwise regurgitated or lingering alive in its belly.

A VIKING THREAT

Murderous Viking Lord Scott, noting that Garthbrook’s walls were torn down to use as materials for the horse parking lot, writes:

“I just thought you might like to know that I and my merry band will be along to kill you sooner rather than later.”

If I had a half-shilling for every marauder who threatened to plunder my lands, I would have enough coins in my coffers to make funding such an expedition worthwhile.

You think I am supposed to cower before every poltroon with the word “Murderous” in his name who threatens to kill me? Nay, I fear not such empty threats, and stand ready to meet them on the battlefield of our soon-to-be-built strip mall. As far as I am concerned, these “Vikings” are a weak and flaccid people who ne’er in all their days could muster the courage to attack an unfortified coastal town replete with unguarded riches. 

That said, if anyone knows how to build walls, please come forward. It seems the only ones who knew how to build walls were the members of the old HOA. We currently only have horse parking lot and strip mall engineers on our staff.

In hindsight, razing our defensive walls to build a horse parking lot and a strip mall may have been a bit shortsighted. We’ve already put a lot of effort into the project management plan for this whole thing so there’s really no turning back now. But I wouldn’t mind a wall or two for the aesthetics. 

CLOſING

In conclusion, everything is going great and all of our residents are happy. There are no indications that things are otherwise. This is truly a testament to our HOA’s magnanimity and innovative leadership style. We look forward to the next phase in our promising reign.

As a reminder, Thursday is Family Night at Drowntowne, so stop on by with any less-than-surefooted family members that you wouldn’t mind slipping into the moat. The moat monster is getting hungry, and Father Kindly is barely an appetizer. 

Fulsomely thine,

Walrich the Loud-chewer

Chief Executive Overlord, ſpicemart Inc. and Preſident, Hovel Owner’s Aſsociation