How to Get in the Autumn Mood by Dying and Falling Off a Tree

Tyme for fall

These guys get it. (William Bell Scott, National Gallery of Canada)

Fall is in full swing. That means cool weather, warm drinks, and the looming approach of winter’s cold death grip.

But perhaps the most iconic part of the season is the vibrant colour of the leaves as they slowly rot and die. Their scenic annual demise probably has thee thinking, “Why must I wait until winter to die myself when I can be like one of these eye-catching sacrifices of nature’s merciless cycle?”

Well, we have thee covered.

Here’s how to get thyself fully in the mood for autumn by dying and falling off a tree.

Change Colours

Whether red with blood, yellow with jaundice, or orange like a body engulfed in flames, there are plenty of ways to change to the many colours of fall. And people shall travel from ‘round the Realm to watch thy beautiful, many-hued suffering.

Let a Stranger Take Thy Prized Possessions

Just as we pick the succulent fruit from an apple tree prior to its death — stealing from it that which it worked all year to attain — bring all of thy most valuable possessions into a tree with thee and let a stranger rip them from thy withering hands. If no stranger approaches, then just throw them on the ground and let the worms eat them.

Get Crispy and Trampled Underfoot

There is naught that reminds us of autumn quite like the crisp crunch of death underfoot. Bonus points if thou dost get shredded by a scythe.

Lie in a Pile with Thy Dead Friends Whilst Children Jump on Thee

Whilst some of thee may prefer to fall out of a tree and die in peace, the autumn vibe is not quite complete without groups of laughing children frolicking amongst piles of thy departed brethren.

Rot Under the Snow

If thou finds thyself dying and falling out of a tree late in the year, after the frost has already taken hold, thy best option might be to lie still on thine icy deathbed and rot away til the end of winter. None shall remember thee come spring — they shall be more concerned with the warm weather and the miracle of lyfe starting anew — but it shall be totally worth it for a killer fall.