Kingdom's Return-to-Orifice (RTO) Policy Has Peasants Asking 'Why?' and 'In Which Orifice?'

What The King's RTO policy means for thee

Peasants preparing their orifices for RTO (Source: Ms. Lat. 33)

His Majesty The King hath decreed that, effective immediately, all commoners shall return to their orifices any objects that had previously been removed.

“Hear ye! Hear ye! All peasants, serfs, and other common riff-raff shall henceforth return any and all spikes, spades, fists, and glaives which had heretofore been de-orificed back to their allotted bodily openings,” spake the town crier during his morning crying. “All orifices shall be thoroughly inspected for compliance.”

This Return-to-Orifice (RTO) policy cometh as a shock to those who have toiled for years without items shoved up their meatuses. Many doth argue they are more productive without large articles sticking out of every hole.

“My whole life I had worked with a bundle of turnips up my ænus. I thought that was normal,” spake local plowman John Plowmanson. “But when I was first allowed to remove said bundle some years agone, I was instantly able to plow harder and longer hours without collapsing from the severe pain in my bowels. I don’t think I could go back to that. Not to mention the strain RTO put on my family and their orifices.”

Prior to the plague, ‘twas standard throughout the Kingdom for labourers to work all day with their orifices stuffed with hay, spoons, or whatever else happened to be lying around the fief. But the plague years brought a shift in work habits. Many lords magnanimously allowed their vassals to remove these objects for fear that sharing objects amongst orifices would spread the plague. This trend hath reversed, however, with liegelords gradually introducing larger and larger commodities back into their subjects’ orifices in recent years.

“‘Tis not merely about productivity. ‘Tis about our fief’s culture, and bringing people together,” spake Lord Bulwark, whose fief was amongst the first to adopt a strict RTO policy. “Our team doth vibe so much better when everyone below the rank of knight hath their orifice filled to the brim.”

Proponents of RTO argue their fiefs are more collaborative and innovative when their peasants’ ears, nostrils, and henholes are chock-full of miscellanea. RTO’s detractors say that shoving things up their crevices really hurts, and they don’t see how it helps in any way with their daily toil.

Ultimately, however, with The King’s latest decree it doth appear RTO is here to stay. Those who oppose it have limited options in the face of a Royal Decree. The Royal Orifice Inspectors (ROIs) recommend inserting something into at least one or two corporal apertures without delay, as an orificial inspection can come to thy fief at any moment.

“I suppose we can revolt. But revolting after a day behind the plough with a bunch of turnips in my arse is such a pain,” spake Plowman. “But what choice do we have? Anyway, I’m already getting kind of used to the turnips being back in there.”