I Trust That Our Witch Hunters Will Only Burn Witches at the Stake in Self-Defence

Let our brave witch-finders do their jobbes

The look of a man thou cannest trust. (Wikimedia Commons)

An op-ed by Balthasar Nórn, Witchhunter

The Kingdom hath been in uproar of late following the burning at the stake of what some people claim were legally-practicing witches operating under the auspices of The King. Some even claim many of those that were incinerated were not witches at all.

But I have the utmost faith in our brave witch hunters, those valiant men who risk their lives e’ery day to keep the Kingdom free from dark magick. They must defend themselves from all manner of spells, and sorcery, and confounding potions, often making split second decisions about where and when to rouse an angry mob of villagers, abduct an accuséd witch from her home, and throw her onto a pre-prepared pyre. Yea, I trust that any such witch-burnings were performed strictly in self-defence.

If thou dost question our witch hunters’ judgment, perhaps thou art a witch as well!

‘Tis true that the burnings have been relentless — the smoke from their wretched witch souls hath been rising to the heavens round the sundial from every towne square. But I shall be the first to attest that every one of these burnings hath been justified; every crone put to the torch hath been a verified undocumented, illegal witch, or was otherwise an enchantress obstructing witch-hunting operations.

Sure, our witch hunters occasionally flay and roast the flesh of a legally-sanctioned sorceress, or they heave a young lass with latent magickal potential into a vat of boiling tallow. But even if ‘tis not apparent to thee that the witch hunters were acting in self-defence, thou cannot see the subtle mind tricks the witch was playing all the while. Per witch-hunting regulations, subtle mind tricks against a witch hunter beeth a capital offence.

Whomst art thou to say whether a peasant girl reaching into her tunic was grabbing for a bite of turnip, or for an accurséd staff with which to cast spells upon thee and drive thy soul into the nether realm?

Hast thou ever been attacked by a lady slowly riding her steed along the road in thy general direction, in a clear attempt to stomp thy bones into dust to mix into one of her witch cauldrons?

Well, I have, and it is terrifying.

What is a “witch” anywise? Some might argue — correctly, in my professional opinion — the definition includes all manner of catty womynfolk, magickal or otherwise. She has warts? WITCH. She sinks in water? WITCH. She floats in water? WITCH. She refuses to go into water because of the obvious futility of attempting to pass the sink-or-float test? DEFINITELY A WITCH.

Let’s leave it to the witch hunters to determine who is worthy of being burned alive or not.

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Some may argue that not all witches are evil. Most are just regular wenches with families and jobbes, they say, who happen to enjoy carousing in the woods at night with goat-headed men. Thou mayest even sympathize with the many witch-children and witch-babies that are cast into the flame. Thou mayest say, “But they are young. The darkness hath not yet arisen in them.”

To that I say, “We are just doing our jobbes. There are witches to be burned, and someone hath to do it.”

‘Tis fiery work, but these witches are not going to burn themselves.

Doth this look like an innocent gathering to thee? Methinks nay. (Wikimedia Commons)

The law is clear on the matter: If thou art a witch, thou shalt be burned at the stake. And if thou wast burned at the stake, thou must have been a witch.

So let us stop rioting in the streets o’er a couple edge cases where a few people may or may not have been burned at random just to meet the fortnightly witch quota. Let us instead celebrate the heroic men o’ the torch who are out there keeping our Kingdom witch-free.

Better yet, accuse thy neighbour of witchcraft and earn a hefty reward!¹

1. The reward is that thou shan’t be burned at the stake…yet.