A Letter from the HOA (Hovel Owners Association) to the Snivelling Vassals of this Fief
This message requires thy prompt attention
Dearest snivelling vassals,
As thy sovereign Lord and Master, and President of this fiefdom’s Hovel Owners Association (HOA), this is a friendly reminder that our fief hath rules. These rules were set in stone when thy ancestors agreed to be vassals of my ancestors many generations ago, and they are the law which binds our noble neighbourhood together.
To assist all of you petulant knaves in adhering to said rules, management hath conducted an inspection of all hovels in and around the castle, and hath discovered the following deficiencies:
Most of you look too poor. We understand that you are poor and that being poor is part of a peasant’s job description. But when thou dost go out in publick, try to look a little less poor. Our HOA bylaws proscribe that all persons and residences not look as broken and destitute on the outside as they truly are on the inside, so as not to leave a bad impression on any visiting dignitaries. Get a new burlap sack and coif if thou must. Give thy shutters a warshing. Pray, at least make some effort to look a little less poor from here out.
Somebody’s dragon shat on Sir Worlsbey. It came from a great height and broke his neck. Not only is owning dangerous breeds of mythical creature prohibited by HOA bylaws (except amongst nobles, to whom the bylaws do not apply), but the offender cleaned up neither the dragon’s stool nor Sir Worlsbey’s mangled body. You will notice we have posted signs stating “PRITHEE, CLEANETH UP AFT THY MYTHICAL BEAST” at each crossing, and a posse of dragonslayers hath been despatched to the homes of known offenders.
Many of thy homes are actively on fire. This is especially true in the homes outside the main walls that have succumbed to the ongoing siege. Whilst we understand that sieges can be trying tymes, and ‘tis oft difficult to prevent an invading army from setting everything in their path to the torch, we encourage thee to extinguish the flames and install a new roof as soon as possible. Maybe use something less flammable than thatch next tyme, as this seems to be a recurring issue.
Not everyone is doing their part to help lift the siege. HOA management would like to assure thee that lifting the siege that has been starving us out for months is of the utmost priority. But we cannot do it without thy help. Man the ramparts, ration thy foodstuffs, do whatever thou can to prevent the invaders from gaining a foothold and installing their own HOA.
Respect quiet hours. Compline to Lauds are this fief’s quiet hours. These tymes should be used solely for prayer, contemplation, and fending off night attacks from the besieging forces. We have received many reports of lovestruck youth strumming their lyres and crooning outside of fair maidens’ windows at all hours of the night. We assure thee, neither the maidens nor their neighbours want to hear this.
All of you smell terrible. Whilst not strictly against our HOA’s bylaws, we thought it germane to make thee awares. For thine information, our fiefdom has a stream, and baths are free.
Management kindly reminds thee that these deficiencies must be corrected within the fortnight or else thou shalt be publicly executed, as per HOA bylaws.
Additionally, some common questions and concerns have arisen at recent HOA meetings. We would like to clarify that any and all complaints are completely unfounded, and the complainers shall be found and punish’d accordingly. But in the interests of transparency, we would like to address each in turn.
Someone hath been double parking their horse on Whorehouse Street and ‘tis clogging up traffick.
Response: Anyone wealthy enough to afford a horse is welcome to park it wheresoever they like. And the bakery on Whorehouse Street makes the best bagels.
The grass goblins that mow the lawns start way too early in the morning and wake everyone up.
Response: First off, they’re not goblins, they’re gnomes. And anyway, thou shouldst be up before the sun toiling in the fields.
The Lord’s dragon is currently eating my wife.
Response: He was hungry and she was fat.
The lady in hovel 13A always has agonizing screams and weird boiling flesh smells emanating from her house at night.
Response: We are aware of the emanations from hovel 13A. Unfortunately, it is rumoured that she is a witch and frankly we’re afraid of her.
My sons have been levied into the army. When are they coming home, and can I trade some of my useless daughters for one of them?
Response: Thy sons shall return when sufficient levels of Glory and Justice for The King have been obtained and/or ne’er. In the case they ne’er return, The King shall send thee a gift certificate for a flagon of ale at thy tavern of choice and an IOU for one son. If you desire a trade, the current market rate is 2.5 daughters per son.
If you have further questions for the HOA, we encourage thee to keep thy mouth shut, for asking questions is not thy place. Management appreciates thy prompt attention to this matter and gramercy again for thine enfeoffment.
Lord Spearl Talbotshire
Lord of Garthbrook and President, Hovel Owner’s Association
Thou mayest submit any further inquiries to the HOA in the comments, and they shall be addressed in turn (remember, all untoward comments are punishable by death).
Ye Olde Tyme News is a vassal-supported publickation. Prostrate thineself before The King, and consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
I particularly enjoyed "Lord of Garthbrook." It remindeth me of mine own "Aethelmertz of the Isle of Lucie."
"Many of thy homes are actively on fire." I laughed out loud. So good.