You’ve Got One Hell of a Crocodile Infestation

Do you want the Danger Reduction Package or the Total Threat Elimination Package?

Nothing a few service contracts and recurring fees can’t take care of. (S. Hooper, UK National Trust)

By Dediric Howell, Moat Inspection & Maintenance Consultant

Hello! Dediric Howell here, from the Moat Companye. You requested a service visit?

Sure, I’d be happy to look at your moat today. Can you just sign this Inspection Authorization for me? And initial here for the one-time Inspection Fee. Perfect, thanks.

Alright, you lead the way, and I’ll ask some questions as we walk.

So, when did ye trouble start? Aha. I see. Were they he-goats, or she-goats? Well, sometimes it makes a difference. And that was last week? Uh-huh. Right. You don’t sayeth. The jester, too? That is strange. Hmmm. No, I wouldn’t call the Search & Rescue Guild just yet.

Ah, here’s your moat. Let me guess… freshwater, 40 feet wide, 20 feet deep, full-perimeter? Very handsome. Just a spot of pond scum there — you know, we do offer Scum Removal if you’re interested. Sure, think about it and let me know.

Now here along the bank, are these the “gargantuan droppings” you mentioned? You were right, they smell... atrocious. Speaking of which, do you know about our Grass Renewal service? Wonderful, I’ll mark you down for it!

Now where’s the “gaping hole of primeval darkness” you were concerned about? On the waterline where the moat bends around the castle, you say? Ah, I see it now. Yes, you could fit a beer barrel through that opening. No, I’ll just inspect from afar for now, thanks.

Alright, my friend. There’s more I want to investigate, but here’s my baseline assessment: Unfortunately, you’ve got one hell of a crocodile infestation.

Given the size and spread of those droppings, I’d say you’re looking at a float of four, maybe five adults. Large ones too, considering the size of that nest entrance — plus the sheer number of your goats and servants who’ve gone missing. And I hate to mention this… but I noticed a cluster of eggs under the drawbridge. So, more incoming.

No, unfortunately I am not jesting. 

Yes, I realize you haven’t actually seen a crocodile yet. But you will, trust me. The more they feed, the bolder they’ll become. Stay alert, especially around this time of day, would be my professional advice.

Yes, of course — get a second opinion. But I promise you, another consultant will just tell you the same thing, while wasting valuable time you can't afford. Meanwhile, my Companye can help you, today.

Here’s an illuminated parchment with our service options. Up top, the Danger Reduction Package would provide immediate, short-term relief. We’d quarantine and seal that nest entrance with our patented QuikMuck barrier, which guarantees protection for seven days, or until the beasts tunnel out elsewhere on your property. As a courtesy, we would also “locke in” that same rate for weekly follow-up treatments.

Now at the bottom of the parchment, that’s our Total Threat Elimination Package. That’s gonna address the root causes of this infestation, top to bottom. We’re talking full-scale moat drainage, crocodile-slaughtering, egg-smashing, and moat re-watering. Yes, it's intensive, and some might say expensive. But if you want this job done once and done right, the Total Threat Elimination Package is your best bet. 

And ask thyself this: "Can you really put a price on peace of mind?"

Now whatever package you choose, for mere shillings extra you can also add-on our signature Vow of Silence. This risk-free “assurance” product is wildly popular among the Ladies and Lords of the Realm who trust us with their embarrassing and potentially reputation-ruining infestations!

Are you leaning towards one service package or the other? I don’t mean to rush you. But the longer we dally, the worse this infestation gets. Say the word, and I can have men here by sundown (with just a minor Expedited Service charge) to get cracking on this thing.

Sure, take a moment to think it over. You know, mineself also likes to weigh important decisions near the water- BY GOD, WATCH OUT!!! Get back! Yes, kick it in the face! Didn’t I tell you?! Hold on, I’m coming! 

Thumbs up if you approve the one-time Client Retrieval surcharge? Perfect. Now just reach out and– NO! Don’t let him pull you into the water. Dig into the mud. Deeper! Now grab my wrists and pull. Harder!

Keep your eyes on me! Don’t look back, just focus on my voice. 

Can you hear me? Good. Now, listen carefully — If you don’t survive, who is the next highest-ranking household member who can authorize a service contract?