‘You Have to Be Dead First,’ and Other Caveats to Our Fief’s Unlimited Vacation Policy
Enjoy thy tyme off!
Our fiefdom’s leadership hath heard thy cries for a more proscriptive (or didst thou say “prescriptive”?) tyme off policy. Thusly, our lord and other munificent management hath taken it upon ourselves to offer all vassals unlimited vacation! We are proud to be on the cutting edge of peasant resources (PR) practices, and to have all of thee along for the journey with us.
To those amongst thee that may say, “This is naught but a bit of clever accounting acrobatics and thou cares not a bit for us peasants,” I say, “Good luck getting thy request approved, thou insouciant knave!”
Before submitting thy leave request, please be aware of the following caveats to our unlimited vacation policy, which may preclude thy request from being approved:
You have to be dead first.
Thy request needs to be personally approved by The King and signed in Royal Blood on a scroll of Gardellian parchment. You can’t afford Gardellian parchment and The King never bleeds.
The planets must align behind a Huntress’s Moon on the Night of the Many Reckonings when wraiths take to the skies. This comes once every ten thousand years and going outside means certain death.
If you are taking tyme off to raid gold-endowed monasteries along the coast, you must agree to give us 70 percent of the proceeds of said raids.
Doctor’s appointments are not authorized, unless thy doctor looks like this:
Dentist’s appointments are authorized. But it has to be one of the dentists that does this:
No requests shall be approved during summer, winter, holidays, tax-collecting season, new moons, waning gibbouses, the other tax-collecting season, or war.
Thou must remain immediately reachable during thine entire vacation. Seeing as letters delivered on horseback are our only form of long-range communication, that means you cannot leave.
Pilgrimages are allowed, on the strict condition that you return with foot-related relics.
Parental leave is only authorized if the child is one of the liegelord’s bastards.
Do not request leave when there is an important deadline approaching for digging holes, raking dirt, or whatever else you filthy peasants do everyday.
If thy vacation is approved, you have to feel guilty about it.
Exceptions: The below employees are exempt from these caveats and may take leave as they please:
Horses and mules (please submit all requests in writing)
Womyn (not allowed to have jobs in the first place)