9 Out of 10 Dentists Recommend Just Yanking Stuff Out and Seeing What Happens
And 1 dentist is a witch who knows naught of science
In vitally accurate and scientifick surveys of the Kingdom’s oral professionals, 9 out of 10 dentists didst recommend “just yanking stuff out of there and seeing what happens” as a method to solve all manner of ailments.
“The latest research doth suggest that sticking a large, terrifying contraption all up in thy mouth and tugging away works at least as well as doing nothing,” spake Privy Counselor on Toothaches Dr. Barbiçon Mandibulus. “And it certainly hath better results than the olde technique, which involved removing the entire head with a battle axe.”
Mandibulus sayeth that, whilst many classick dentistry techniques remain valuable, the field hath made great strides in recent years.
“We’ve come a long way since the days when we thought bloodletting cured e’erything,” spake Mandibulus. “Because of modern science, we now know ‘tis much more effective to combine bloodletting with significant alcohol consumption and/or prayer.”
The 1 out of 10 dentists that doth not recommend pulling stuff out hath been confirmed to be a warlock who practices dark witchcraft, and he is not to be trusted. His sorcerous methods of “brushing” the teeth with herbaceous liniments and “pastes” hath been widely debunked by the medickal community.
“All real dentists agree that this vile witchery of ‘brushing’ and ‘hygiene’ must be avoided at all costs,” spake Mandibulus. “Next thing ye know, he’ll be saying that we should stop chewing on ox dung to cure halitosis.
“Nay, ‘tis better to maintain a thick film of foode particulates and grime encrusted to thy teeth and gums, so that this may toughen them against ill humours.”
In addition to those remedies already mentioned herein, there be many other proven medicaments recommended by dental professionals, including a healthy regimen of amulets, charms, and sacrifices to the olde gods. Herein be some additional cures for common ailments.
TOOTH WORMS. Taketh a sheep’s anus and burn it with a candle betwixt thy teeth whilst lying disrobed in a scullery. The heat and stench shall scare the worms out, whereupon they will fall out upon the floor of the scullery.
CAVITY. Taketh a sheep’s anus and ball it up with a wad of comfrey leaf. Place the comfrey-anus wad betwixt thy cheek and the achey tooth and walk backwards to Spain whilst reciting seventy Our Fathers. When thou returns from Spain, lie down for three days and the cavity shall be healed.
SORES UPON THE GUMS. Drink lots of wine, pet three feral cats, and carve thy name into a yew tree with the following charm: “Feral cats | Me name on a yew | Heal me gums | So I might chew.” Sheep’s anus optional, but recommended.
CROOK’D YELLOW TEETH. Keepeth thy mouth shut. Nobody wants to see that.
TATAR. The pesky Tatars are always seeking to invade thy teeth and encrust them with plaque. Fortify the defenses around thy home and chew a sheep’s anus for goode luck that they may bypass thy lands.
SHEEP’S ANUS MOUTH. Spit out the sheep’s anus currently in thy mouth and get a fresh one. If the new sheep’s anus doth not remedy the issue, switch to goat’s anus.
Addendum: The Physicians of Myddfai
The Physicians of Myddfai is a collection of Welsh folk remedies from the Middle Ages, compiled and published in 1861 by John Pughe. It contains over 500 pages of wonderful cures, medicines, and charms for all manner of ailments. Below is a selection of some of the best cures for toothaches and other (mostly) dental pangs.
TOOTHACHE. TO PREVENT
If you would always be free from toothache, whenever you wash, rub the inside of your ears with your fingers.
FOR THE TOOTHACHE
Get an iron nail, and engrave the following words thereon, -|- agla -|- Sabaoth -|- athanatos -|- and insert the nail under the affected tooth. Then drive it into an oak tree, and whilst it remains there the toothache will not return. But you should carve on the tree with the nail the name of the man affected with toothache, repeating the following: By the power of the Father and these consecrated words, as thou enterest into this wood, so let the pain and disease depart from the tooth of the sufferer. Even so be it. Amen.
TOOTHACHE. A STRANGE REMEDY, AND A STRANGER PATHOLOGY
Take a candle of sheep’s suet, (some eringo seed being mixed therewith,) and burn it as near the tooth as possible, some cold water being held under the candle. The worms (destroying the tooth) will drop into the water, in order to escape the heat of the candle.
TOOTHACHE. SEVERAL REMEDIES
For the toothache. Take betony and lay it under the head, in an unbleached linen cloth, and it will cure it. Another method is to take self heal, put it in a dock leaf under the tooth, or on a hot stone, and place it hot in a cloth under the painful tooth. Another is to take the brown birthwort, bruise it well, and apply it to the patient’s tooth for a night. Another is to take the thorn apple and apply it well.
To restrain an active hemorrhage. Take meadowsweet, digest in cold water, and drink thereof, and this will stop it by the help of God.
VIRTUES OF MUSTARD
Mustard. It is useful to expel cold humors. It is good with vinegar for the bite of an adder or toad. It is good for the toothache. It will purify the brain. It will restrain profuse menstruation…
FOR THE TOOTHACHE
Take shepherd’s purse and pound into a mass, then apply to the tooth.
TO EXTRACT A TOOTH WITHOUT PAIN
Take some newts, by some called lizards, and those nasty beetles which are found in ferns during summertime, calcine them in an iron pot and make a powder thereof. Wet the forefinger of the right hand, insert it in the powder, and apply it to the tooth frequently, refraining from spitting it off, when the tooth will fall away without pain. It is proven.
TO EXTRACT A TOOTH WITHOUT PAIN [in case the newts didn’t work]
Seek some ants with their eggs and powder, have this powder blown into the tooth through a quill, and be careful that it does not touch another tooth.
TO DESTROY A WORM IN THE TOOTH
Take the roots of the cat’s ear, bruise, and apply to the patient’s tooth for three nights, and it will kill the worm.
A PROVED REMEDY FOR THE TOOTHACHE
Take the roots of pellitory of Spain, wash clean and bruise well, and form of them three small balls with your hand, each about as big as a plum; retain the first between your cheek and the painful tooth as long as you walk a mile with moderate steps, and as the saliva collects spit it away. When you think that the ball has been there as long as that, put in another and walk backwards and forwards for the same space of time; after that put in the third, then lie in bed, and warm yourself well, and when you have slept you will be free from the pain. This I have often proved and have found to be a present remedy for the toothache.
FOR THE TOOTHACHE, A CHARM
Saint Mary sat on a stone, the stone being near her hermitage, when the Holy Ghost came to her, she being sad. Why art thou sad, mother of my Lord, and what pain tormenteth thee? My teeth are painful, a worm called megrim has penetrated them, and I have masticated, and swallowed it. I adjure thee daffin o negrbina by the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost, the Virgin Mary, and God, the munificent Physician, that thou dost not permit any disease, dolour, or molestation to affect this servant of God here present, either in tooth, eye, head, or in the whole of her teeth together. So be it. Amen.
Also, a few timeless medical maxims:
A cold mouth and warm feet will live long.
An eel in a pie, lampreys in salt.
Dry feet, moist tongue.
He who sees fennel and gathers it not, is not a man, but a devil.
If thou desirest to die, eat cabbage in August.
To the fish market in the morning, to the butcher’s shop in the afternoon.
Mustard after food.
The full text of The Physicians of Myddfai is available online from the Wellcome Collection here.
Full title: The physicians of Myddvai : Meddygon Myddvai, or The medical practice of the celebrated Rhiwallon and his sons, of Myddvai, in Caermarthenshire, physicians to Rhys Gryg, lord of Dynevor and Ystrad Towy, about the middle of the thirteenth century / From ancient mss. in the libraries of Jesus College, Oxford, Llanover, and Tonn; with an English translation; and the legend of the lady of Llyn y Van ; translated by John Pughe and edited by the Rev. John Williams ab Ithel. Pub. for the Welsh mss. society.