Worried About Job Security? Consider Becoming a Dragon Sitting on a Hoard of Treasure
Thy road to fynancial stability
Many non-nobles these days are experiencing great anxiety about the security of their jobs. Coopers are worried about slowdowns in the cooping market. Spice merchants fear that people will stop trading irrational amounts of silver for spices that don’t even taste goode (seriously, who likes clove anyway?). Soldiers are worried the war will end and/or they will be torn to shreds in a hail of enemy arrows, either of which would leave them painfully unemployed.
On top of that, reports that the aristocracy cares not a farthing1 for their worthless, clag-addled underlings offer little reassurance to those working a nones-to-fife out on the fief.
Luckily, there’s one way to guarantee thy financial stability for centuries to come: Become an independently wealthy dragon sitting on a hoard of treasure.
One may think that transforming into a fearsome, fire-breathing beast and despoiling all inhabitants within a one-hundred mile radius of one’s lair is a feat beyond the reach of most workers. But with a little bit of career planning and a lot of grit, anyone can become a dragon wallowing in a trove of precious gold and jewels.
“Five years heretofore I was working a dead end job setting sheep on fire for a baron who hates sheep,“ spake Waarbryne the Volatile, a 70-foot red dragon. “Then I decided to take my career into mine own hands/claws. Now, I’ve razed that baron’s estates to the ground with my terrible hell-breath, and I have my own fortress deep in the heart of a mountain where I’m practically drowning in riches.
“Sure, it helped that I was dragon to begin with, and that I happened to live next to an active gold mine, but my success was at least 80 percent due to hard work and determination.”
Waarbryne’s story makes it clear that anyone, whether man or beast, can achieve financial independence by becoming a dragon and laying waste to all lands within a three day flight of their lair. At the same tyme, being a dragon is not for everybody. Thou dost need to look at thine own situation and long-term goals and determine whether ‘tis best to become a dragon, or to become some other kind of wealth-obsessed mythical beast.
If thou dost determine that being a dragon is not for thee, here are some other common paths to financial independence:
Leprechaun. A pot o’ gold might not seem like much in this economy, but invested wisely it can easily grow to be a crock or even a cauldron o’ gold, minus taxes and crocking fees.
Ghost. The upside of being a ghost is thy wealth is not constrained by typical corporeal limitations — there’s practically no ceiling to the amount of gold you can acquire o’er the course of centuries! The downside is you have to die first.
Ghost dragon. All the benefits of being a ghost and a dragon rolled into one giant, ectoplasmic package. Just try not to wallow in thy treasure too much, as ghost dragons tend to leak ghost ooze all over everything. Yuck!
Nobleman. Luckily, feudalism isn’t going anywhere any tyme soon. Being born into the nobility is a surefire way to guarantee eternal wealth and status for thy bloodline. Just beware of assassinations. People love to assassinate nobles for some reason, and we can ne’er figure out why.
Remember the saying: “Whenever the door to one lair filled with the plundered gold of many nations closes, another opens.” If you do lose your job as a cooper or spice merchant, try to view it not as a loss, but as an opportunity to become a dragon reposing contentedly on the spoils of conquest.
Ye Olde Tyme News is a vassal-supported publickation. If thou happens to be a dragon reposing on a pile of gold, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Nor should they.