These Black Friday Sales Put the 'Deal' in 'Surviving This Winter Shall Be Quite an Ordeal'

Thy last chance to spend before thou freezes to death

Make haste to the market whilst thou still hast fingers and toes. (Pieter Brueghel the Elder, Wikimedia Commons)

Another winter approaches, and with it another chance to eke by in the squalor of thy hovel, praying to the olde gods and the new that the frost shall break whilst thou still hast body heat.

But with thy death likely in the coming months, don’t let this Black Friday pass thee by without spending thy meager lyfe savings on superfluous materialistic appurtenances.

Herein be some of this year’s top Black Friday sales that truly put the “deal” in “surviving this winter shall be quite an ordeal.”

Lame Donkey

Pryce - Free

We’re not sure if this donkey is physically incapacitated or simply too stubborn to work. Either way, the owner is giving it away for free to anyone who can convince this lazy asse to leave the barn. (Disclaimer: Kick and Bite Insurance not included)

Toil

Pryce - Market rate

What better way to stay warm during these frigid months of discontent than by toiling endlessly for The King! Most peasants wouldn’t consider this a gift, but, then again, most peasants are dead.

Mercenary Orc Battalion

Pryce - 10 blood guilders per fortnight for the first 2 fortnights, 20 guilders for each additional fortnight

A mercenary orc battalion can make an exceptional gift for any of thy loved ones who have the budget to sustain an extended winter campaign and the command presence to keep them from mutinying. This battalion of bloodthirsty orcs-for-hire may not keep the cold at bay, but they can help thee conquer a land with firewood and milder weather. The best part is they feast on the flesh of their slain enemies, so you’ll save big when it comes to supplying them with food.

A Blunt Weapon

Pryce - 10 shillings for a club, 25 shillings for a flail

This one is best as a pre-Black Friday gift, for its purpose is to smash through the lines at the marketplace ensuring thou art first in line for all the most savoury markdowns. Also comes in handy when the mercenary orc battalion inevitably turns against thee.

The Viscount Discount

Pryce - A lineage of noble blood

The Viscount Discount is available to any noble lords or ladies in the rank of Viscount/Viscountess and above. The way it works is you simply walk into the market and take whatever thou wants because none of those filthy lowborne merchants can stop thee. Just make sure to loudly announce “Viscount on deck! I am a Viscount!” whenever thou enters a market, just to make sure everyone is clear on this point.

Hope Through Prayer

Pryce - 5 groats per week, or discounted annual fee of 230 groats

Church studies hath shown that prayer is 1000% more effective when thou pays for it. Stop letting thy friends and family pray on a useless free plan. Buy them a weekly subscription to God’s coffers and ensure that, whilst their prayers certainly won’t come true, their hope will at least turn a profit.