Frost, and 8 Other Things That Bit the Prince's Pœnis During the Royal Wedding

"My todger is a mess"

In a stunning revelation from his recently released memoirs, the Prince hath revealed that his nether regions were bitten by frost and many other things during his brother’s wedding some years heretofore.

“I was on military campaign in the Northlands, whereupon Jack Frost didst rip open my codpiece and masticate upon my shillelagh,” the Prince’s memoirs doth state. “He didst not cease until the morning of the wedding, when his frigid appetite had finally been satiated. By then, my todger was naught but a frozen mess.”

As painful as that doth sound, frost was not the only thing that took a bite out of His Princeliness’s scepter that day.

“I returned to the Castle just in tyme for the wedding, at long last shedding Jack Frost’s mouthgrip upon my cochon. I hoped to find some respite for my crumhorn,” his memoirs read, “but respite for my crumhorn, there was none to be found”

Herein be some other things that champed upon the Prince’s noble cod during the Royal Wedding.

A Dragon

“One might think that a dragon’s bite, with all those fangs and flames spewing forth from its gullet, wouldst be rather painful,” read the Prince’s memoirs. “But of all the things that chomped upon my cockatrice that day, the dragon was by far the gentlest.”

Seven Gulls

These were more pecks than bites, but they still drew blood.

The Princess

Princesses hath been known to bite, but typically not until after the wedding. Luckily for the Prince, hers was more of a love bite than a hunger bite, for his ploughshare was already badly mangled by that point in the evening.

A Wild Boar

This one was especially vexing for the Prince, seeing as the boar wasn’t even invited to the wedding.

The King

Of course, His Majesty didn’t physically bite the Prince’s charm, for He employs many vassals to do His crotch-biting for Him. But He did speak to it in a biting manner to chastise it for showing up to the event so frostbitten.

Sir Humbert the Insatiable

Luckily for the Prince, Sir Humbert didst focus his cravings upon the crown chestnuts, offering the Prince’s staff a brief reprieve.

The Vicar

The marriage officiant refused to begin the ceremony until he, too, was allowed a morsel of princefiddle.

Most of the Attendees

When the other wedding attendees saw there were bites to be had, they couldst not restrain themselves and nigh finished him off. The Prince’s pœnis was in such a sorry state by the end of the night that he was forced to flee the Kingdom once and for all, to a land where e’eryone’s pœnis is permanently bitten by frost.

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