There Beeth a New HOA in Towne
Meet the new HOA, same as the olde HOA, but nobler
The Hovel Owners Association is back with a fresh new look and approach to feudalism. Readest the previous installments with of hereabouts.
HEAR YE! HEAR YE! I HEREBY CALL TO ORDER THE HOVEL OWNERS AſSOCIATION OF THE MARGRAVATE OF GARTHBROOK.
Subjects of Garthbrook,
As many of you are aware, our fiefdom’s summer Block Party was quite eventful this year, what with the general carnage that ensued when the Moat Monster escaped her moat and destroyed most of the city.
What you might not be aware of is that, whilst thy pathetic former leadership struggled to contain the chaos and tow the disconsolate beast back into her moat, a new band of merry warriors usurped this fyne Hovel Owners Association and banished the olde HOA to the nether corners of the fiefdom.
That’s right, bytches: There’s a new HOA in towne.
Thou cannest rest assured that things shall change around here. No longer wilt thou have to worry about trivial matters like crumbling ramparts, or salesmen rapping upon thy portcullises, or wizards who are late on rent.
Nay, this new HOA thinks bigger than that. This HOA is about progress.
We are happy to announce that we will be leveling all existing structures within the fief to make room for a state-of-the-art horse parking lot. This includes thy hovels, homes, homesteads, abodes, and places of business. (One exception is the bakery on Whorehouse Street, whose wondrous “bagels” shall be the anchor of the new fief’s premier strip mall). As we are a munificent HOA, all subjects are welcome to work at the new parking lot as slaves.
You see, long ago we identified Garthbrook as an ideal location for parking to support a massive spice merchant emporium we’re building down the road. We’ve relentlessly laid siege to the city for many months now, and our efforts have finally paid off. Our hard fought battles have earned us this pristine piece of earth, and we look forward to skyrocketing real estate prices and cost of living increases for years to come.
Congratulations! Thou art an essential part of the Kingdom’s largest and boldest development project e’er! The essential role thou shalt play involves getting out of our way so we can build stuff.
With that in mind, here’s what the future holds for the HOA…
MOAT MAKEOVER
You snivelling vassals wisely voted to clean up the olde moat, as well as to build a second, even bigger moat to honour the brave nobles who died in the first one during the Block Party. Henceforth, all able-bodied men are to begin digging a new moat. Shovels and pickaxes shall be provided free of charge (we’ve already raised everyone’s rent to account for this).
The new moat will be the centerpiece of a Moat Monster-themed amusement park we’re constructing next to the parking lot. The Moat Monster has been in a much better mood since destroying most of the city and killing a boat full of nobles, and the refreshing, brackish waters of the new moat will offer customers a fun, overpriced venue in which to cool off from the sweltering summer heat.
Our lawyers tell us this is at least safe enough to be profitable.
Poll: What should we name the Moat Monster theme park?
The Noble Preservation Society of Nobles Moat for Nobles
Magickal Moat Monster Adventureland
Drowntowne
RAMPARTS RECONſTRUCTION PROJECT
The project will be on hold whilst we continue ferrying troops and supplies into the city. Ultimately, the ramparts will be razed to make way for the parking lot, but for now we like looking at this pathetic vestige of the previous HOA.
Thank you again for letting this project run behind schedule and leaving a gaping weak spot in the wall that was easy for our forces to penetrate.
GROUP RATE FOR BEHEADINGS
Mssr. Two-Chop the Accurate was so kind as to offer a group rate for beheadings during the Block Party. We have since paid his invoice, and have decided to bring him on full tyme.
He will run a beheading booth at the Moat Monster theme park which is sure to be fun for the whole family (assuming there’s at least one person in each family that thou wants to behead, which surveys tell us is the case).
Our lawyers were less clear about the safety of this endeavour.
FINDING AND ELIMINATING ALL MEMBERS OF THE PREVIOUS HOA
Our spies report that Lord Spearl Talbotshire and his wretched loyalists are holding out somewhere on the fief, planning a counterattack. (Shout out to Creeping Shrub Guy for the exceptional spycraft. Job well done!)
They shan’t last long. Our intricate spy network of guys hiding in shrubs will root them out until the only memory that remains of them is a few obscure HOA bylaws which are too administratively annoying to change.
Thy days are numbered, Talbotshire you coward!
ALL THE HOUſES THAT ARE ſTILL ON FIRE
As previously mentioned, we will be razing this whole city, so we’re just going to let these burn. Much more cost effective than demo work.
CLOſING
‘Tis an honour to serve atop this illustrious Hovel Owner’s Association as the preeminent lord of this fyne fiefdom, my noble personage representing the very pinnacle of excellence. We look forward to taking from thee all that is precious in this lyfe, in ways that the previous HOA could ne’er imagine.
On the way out, please leave any comments and reviews with our new HOA Slavelady Secretary Valtesse de La Boing, who was vital in our efforts to sabotage the previous HOA. (Treason FTW!) All 5-star reviews shall receive a 10% off1 coupon for the beheading booth at the new Moat Monster theme park.
Fulsomely thine,
Walrich the Loud-chewer
Chief Executive Overlord, ſpicemart Inc. and Preſident, Hovel Owner’s Aſsociation
That’s 10% off thy head, not the price.
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Oh I do love a good regime change. And I haven't died, so this one must be good!