The Only Way to Stop a Bad Guy with a Halberd Is a Goode Guy with a Vociferous Opinion on Polearms

How to solve our Kingdom’s halberd problem

Nov 7, 2023

Some goode guys at work. (Joachim Meyer, Wiktenauer)

By Sir Iuseppe Halberdmanson

Once again our Realm hath been shaken by mass halberdings. Wherever one turns, it seems a manic halberdman is slicing, dicing, and thrusting his way through scores of innocent victims.

Some claim the problem is we simply have too many halberds: At more than one halberd per person, the Kingdom has more halberds than every other kingdom and outlying principality combined. Others claim ‘tis a lack of regulation that is the culprit. Any freeman with a firm grip and a satchel of coin can walk into the halberdsmith’s shop and order one of these deadly weapons on the spot, with nary a question asked.

But I’m here to tell thee that a Royal Decree is not the answer, for the only way to stop a bad guy with a halberd is a goode guy with a vociferous opinion on polearms.

And I have some opinions.

For one, if we’re going to ban halberds, ‘tis a slippery slope towards banning e’ery other type of polearm. Art thou telling me we should also ban spears? Or, King forbid, glaives?! Might as well ban concealed flails and self-defense trebuchets while we’re at it.

Secondly, halberds aren’t e’en the number one cause of death in the Realm. What about plague, or Viking raids, or getting trampled underfoot by The King’s Horse? Are we going to ban all of those things, too? Methinks not. How about we focus on tackling these more serious issues instead of worrying about the occasional berserk halberd rampage throughst the village market.

And those aren’t mine only opinions on the matter. Nay, I shall take to the town square and anonymously voice my mind via pamphlets and bulletins posted to the shoppe walls.

Ultimately, ‘tis irresponsible halberdmen that are the problem, not the halberds themselves. A halberd on its own is completely harmless; and a halberd wielded in chivalrous hands can do much goode in the Name of The King. If we want to address the root of the issue, we need to address the problematic halberd wielders. And we need to do that by attacking them with our own halberds.

“If we want to address the root of the issue, we need to address the problematic halberd wielders. And we need to do that by attacking them with our own halberds.”

Yea, I say put halberds in the hands of all our Kingdom’s Goode Men,1 and they — with their halberds of virtue glimmering in the morning light — shall keep our streets safe. If mine opinions on the matter don’t solve this issue, then I’m afraid nothing can.

Excludes peasants, serfs, womyn, and Welshmen.