Tech Review: Is This New ‘Spectacles’ Invention Better Than Holding Things Closer to Thy Face?

The new invention ist taking the Kingdom’s eyes by storm. But will it make thee a ‘nerd’?

Spectacles: For when holding things closer to thy face ist not enough. (Harley MS 2971 f. 109v, British Library)

The miracles of technology in our day hath advanced mankind leaps and bounds above our lowly station of just a few decades heretofore. The heavy plough hath allowed peasants to churn more soil than e’er before; the longbow hath given archers the ability to kill as many peasants as they please from a safe distance whilst they plough their fields; and the wheelbarrow hath enabled peasants to carry more peasant stuff from place to place, including soil and/or the bodies of their comrades felled by the longbow.

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But for the man of letters, one new invention ist likely to stand above them all: spectacles. This new device from Thos. Spectacles and Sons Mercantile Consortium (Ye Eye Guys™), promises to make it easier for one’s ailing eyes to read e’en the smallest and most faded words upon the page.

But be they worth the investment? Be they more effective than simply holding papers closer to thy face?

If you are reading this then that means you know how to read, and you might be in the market for a pair of specs. We didst take a test run of the latest model of spectacles to helpeth thee determine whether they are right for thee.

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Functionality

They certainly make words easier to see, at least as well as holding the page closer to thy face. But we still prefer to lounge on our satin divan and have a scribe read aloud to us, rather than tire our noble eyes with reading things ourselves. B+

Comfort

They tend to fall off thy head whenever thou dost lean forward. The manufacturer shouldst consider an add-on feature that allows thee to bolt or weld them to the skull to prevent this inconvenience. C+

Pryce

If thou cannest afford a book and an education, ‘tis likely that pryce is not an object. N/A

Features

Perhaps the ſunſpecs™ accessory was our favourite. It doth keep the sun out of thine eyes whilst thou lounges in thy courtyard on a bright day firing arrows at the passing peasants. Whilst they are effective at protecting thine eyes from the sun, the opaque smoky quartz lenses make it pretty much impossible to see anything a’tall. But, then again, that’s part of the fun. B

Style

E’ery soul I passed whilst wearing them shouted at me the word “nerd,” then proceeded to punch me in my face, smashing my spectacles and leaving me sobbing and self-conscious, frantically searching the ground for my shattered lenses. Fashion-wise, the style hath not seemed to catch on yet with ye general populace. F

Durability

Not able to withstand a punch to the face. See previous comment. D+

Ye Olde Rating

Whilst spectacles doth show some promise in the way of making it easier to see things, they have not yet surpassed existing technologies such as holding things closer to thy face, having thy trusted servants read things on thy behalf, or using bigger letters.

‘Tis worth a try if thou art a noble lord or lady, money is not an object, and incessantly being called a nerd and getting thy faced pummeled by unspectacled barons doth not nettle thee. We remain hopeful that the forthcoming release of Spectacles 2.0 shall contain much needed functional and aesthetic improvements, and that in the near future wearing spectacles will be considered “cool.”

Overall Score: B-

1. We wouldn’t want their dead bodies disturbing the lord’s crops!