Intermittent Feasting, and Other Health Tips to Maintain Thy Dainty Yet Corpulent Noble Figure

Corset planks, anyone?

Whip those pointy toes into shape. (Talhoffer Fechtbuch, MS Thott.290.2º, Folio 13v)

Whither thou beest a baron, duchess, count, or marchioness, ‘tis important to be on the cutting edge of whatever asinine fad happens to momentarily captivate the minds of the nobility. It is no simple thing to keep thy wrists dainty, thy skin fair, and thy belly ever-filled with mutton and fyne wine.

But follow these trending health tips, and ‘tis possible to maintain that dainty-yet-corpulent noble figure that every lord and lady desires.

Corset Planks

Order thy chambermaid to pull thy corset taut with her strong servant’s hands, then hold a plank position until age nineteen or you are betrothed to a prince, whichever comes second. If thy ribs are cracking and you’re gasping for air, that means you’re doing it right.

Albatrossfit

The latest trend in fitness amongst the shapeshifting community. If thou cannot shapeshift on thine own, simply pay a transmutation specialist to turn thee into an albatross so thou cannest spread thy wings and soar majestically across the skies. Thou art sure to return to land feeling lighter and more birdlike than ever.

Repeat for five sets, at least four tymes a week, for maximum bone-hollowing effect.

Stick a Jade Egg Up Thine Arse

Sliding a jade egg into thy loam hole, absorbing its healing power, then squeezing it out is the best way to cleanse thy body of unwanted jade eggs.

Intermittent Feasting

For the noble lord or lady who prefers a more rotund appearance, ‘tis important to feast at varied intervals at least six tymes a day in order to retain that healthy waist bulk that is so attractive to a potential suitor — and so vexing to thy starving vassals.

The Tooth Barber

Many Barbers these days specialize in a new field known as dentistry, which involves sticking horrifying contraptions into thy mouth and yanking stuff out at random. Whilst it sounds frightening and expensive, these “tooth barbers,” as they’re called in the industry, can replace thy boring olde teeth with new ones made of precious metals like diamond-encrusted lead or gold dipped in mercury, both of which are known to work wonders for thy health.

Evershade™

Don’t ever let the sun touch thy fair noble skin. That’s the goal of Evershade™, which is basically a bunch of fit manservants holding umbrellas.

Bloodletting +

If thou dost know the first thing about personal well-being, then you have already incorporated regular bouts of bloodletting into your self-care routine. Bloodletting + takes this tried and true practice to the next level, with long-lasting leeches that shall suck thee dry 24 hours a day. Perfect when paired with Evershade™ to really give thy complexion that pallid, corpselike hue that is the mark of true health.

Watch Thy Peasants Exercise

No self-respecting nobleman would be caught dead doing physical labour. But that doesn’t mean you can’t watch your underlings do it whilst you dine on ale and wild game. In between sets, make sure to have them fan thee off before thou dost work up a meat sweat.