If Thy New Year’s Resolution Is to Lose Weight Then Thou Art in Luck Because Barbarians Just Burned Our Crops

Hast thou made thee a New Year’s resolution yet?

Whilst many of the Kingdom’s subjects opt not to maketh resolutions because the future is ever bleak and nothing will change their pitiable condition, if this be the year that thou resolved to lose weight, then thou art in luck. Barbarians hath just raided our borderlands and burned the vast majority of our crops, which wilt cause a drastic shortage of foodstuffs in the coming months.

Unless thou art among the ranks of the nobility — to whom the last surviving bits of the harvest shall be given — then thou wilt be dining this winter on frozen acorns and wild berries alone.

We hopeth thou gained enough fat o’er the summer that thou canst affordeth to lose up to half thy body weight in the coming months.

If thou art truly famished yet art still strong enough to fight, then consider enlisting in the Royal Army to fend off the barbarian hordes which art still ravaging our borders. All soldiers shalt be given one square meal a day, and those that proveth themselves in combat shall even be given shoes!

But if thou art too weak and sickly to fight, then sticketh to thy resolution to lose weight, for thou moste definitely will be starving this winter.