HOA Update - ſummer is in Full ſwing
Prepare thy bathing tunics
Ye Olde HOA ist back at it this week, in the latest in this series with. Readest the previous letters hereabouts.
HEAR YE! HEAR YE! I HEREBY CALL TO ORDER THE HOVEL OWNERS AſSOCIATION OF THE MARGRAVATE OF GARTHBROOK.
Summer is in full swing upon the fief, and that means much gaiety and revelry is apt to commence. The ladies are strutting about our shores in their bathing tunics, flashing ankle and wrist at all the young suitors who gaze upon them with covetous jowls. The four people who are wealthy enough to afford an education are out of school and keen to feast.
But perhaps most importantly, this esteemed Hovel Owners Association ist making considerable improvements around the fiefdom.
AGENDA ITEM THE FIRſT - MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS
Ramparts Construction Doth Continue This Week
If thou dost live near South Ramparts Road, you might have noticed that the entire castle wall has been destroyed and the enemy has been slaughtering everyone in thy neighbourhood on-and-off for weeks.
Luckily, due to the recently imposed Ramparts Tax, the HOA hath now raised enough funding and expendable manpower to accelerate construction. Work ist set to continue during the next lull in the fighting. A few friendly reminders to help ensure this project goes off without a hitch:
Please do not park thy horses or donkeys along South Ramparts Road during work hours. They will be crushed by stones.
Be respectful of the enemy soldiers rushing through the breach. By “respectful” we mean “stab them in their perfidious throats so that construction may continue unhindered.”
If thou dost witness many stonemasons whistling and leering lasciviously at thy wives and doghters, please leave them be. We assure thee, this is an essential part of their job, and it was budgeted for appropriately.
Unfortunately, figuring out timelines was not budgeted for in our project plan, and our previous estimates were way off. So we have no idea when the project will be complete. A safe bet is two to three generations.
The Summer (Chopping) Block Part Draws Nigh
Despite repeated calls for volunteers, we did not have enough people sign up to get their heads chopped off. Thusly, we have chosen the following volunteers to fill the roster:
Randywine, “Wizard Extraordinaire.” This callow foole was recently evicted from his hovel. And anyway, he is homeless and unemployed, so we might as well put that fat wizard head of his to good use. If anyone sees Randywine, please kindly drag him to the dungeon for safekeeping until the Block Party.
Thangmar. Thangmar was kind enough to volunteer to get his head chopped off last year, but our axe guy botched the execution. Since his neck is already half-chopped, ’tis only fair that Thangmar gets another go at it this year.
Lady Valtesse de la Boing. This ingrateful wench hath written many complaints to our vaunted HOA of late and, frankly, we grow tired of hearing it.
We are happy to announce that these extra volunteers will allow us to purchase head-chopping services at the group rate from Sir Two-Chop the Accurate, and we will no longer have to raise taxes to account for this. (We will still raise taxes, but will have to find a different reason to do so).
The Block Party will be fun for children and grownfolk of all ages, assuming, of course, that they enjoy drunken revelry and bloodshed. So cometh on down and celebrate summer on the fief!
AGENDA ITEM THE ſECOND - LETTERS
A spy proposal.
A Creeping Shrub hath recently infiltrated our castle and offered to become a spy in exchange for golden coins. Many residents assumed correctly that this was not, in fact, an anthropomorphic shrub, but instead a man concealed inside of a shrub. A man traitorous to his own kind, at that.
The decision was made to rat out the spy to his side and let justice take care the rest.
Unfortunately, he blends in pretty well with the other shrubs on the fief, and we seem to have lost him amongst the shrubberies. If you happen to pass by any shrubs that seem to be out of place, be sure to stab them with thy sword to make sure ‘tis not him. Especially shrubs with arms and legs.
E’eryone knows it is standard practice to stab out-of-place shrubs just in case there happens to be a spy in there, so we needn’t belabor this point.
“If thou dost see somethinge, stab somethinge”
Bartholemew Skortz, Marketinge WIZARD, didst pitch this HOA on some less-than-honourable salesmanship tactics with which to recruit more choppees for the Block Party.
Fortunately, the HOA didst vote to ignore his badgerwash. However, seeing as Monsieur Skortz ist so zealous about supporting the event, we shall add him to our list of choppee volunteers.
[Historian, please make a note to abduct Bartholemew Skortz and imprison him in the dungeon at the conclusion of this meeting.]
Stop Venturing Into the Dungeon Uninvited
Jon of the Donjon writes:
Good sir, I beg you, please ask the citizens to stop coming down into the lower levels of the keep asking to see the so-called “torture chambre.”
Jon is quite busy down in the dungeon.
Also, he’s an introvert.
So please stop going into the dungeon and bothering him unless you have been explicitly assigned to be tortured/killed. We shall look into acquiring new and better torture devices which will increase the dungeon’s capacity, but until such a point, please let Jon be.
Mermaid or Maiden?
Princess Airyelle of Unterdasea writes:
If any of you, gentle or common, require proof that I am a woman with a woman’s strong legs, I invite you to the public square for a kicking you’ll not soon forget.
Princess Airyelle doth insist that she is of human form, despite her husband’s claims that her lower extremities are mer-fins. How they made it all the way to marriage without his ever observing her lower extremities is beyond me, but here we are.
The Princess hath now offered to meet any doubters in the publick square and kick them with her strong human legs. Whither fins or feet, honestly I think this is going to be pretty hot, so we shall make an event of it at the Block Party.
AGENDA ITEM THE THIRD - NEWE BUſYNEſS
There is no newe buſyneſs this fortnight, on account of all the work going into the Ramparts Project and the (Chopping) Block Party. The following outstanding issues shall be addressed in future:
Training the Moat Monster to control her urges to eat everyone and everything that falls into the moat.
Enemy attendance at the Block Party.
The fact that many people’s houses are still on fire.
If thou wouldst like to see some of thine issues addressed at a future meeting of the HOA, please leave a comment with Harold on the way out. As always, any ill-received comments shall be punished accordingly.
Lord Spearl Talbotshire
Lord of Garthbrook and President, Hovel Owner’s Association
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