Heroic Gouvernment Passes Bill to Keep Paying Themselves

“You’re welcome, peasants”

Heroes, one and all. (Wikimedia Commons)

His Majesty’s Most Esteemed Royal Gouvernment hath once again displayed their heroism and magnanimity by passing a bill that narrowly avoided a gouvernment shutdown, which would have temporarily prevented them from being paid.

“It would have been a disaster of epic proportions if we were to cut down on collecting taxes, waging wars, and generally extorting the weak and powerless of society,” spake Arch-chairsitter of the Exchequer Jobias Schnute. “But, luckily, our valiant efforts in signing this bill have prevented such a conundrum. You’re welcome, peasants.”

Many magistrates, lords, and ladies debated reducing their suppers from 17 pheasants to just 16 if a shutdown were to happen. Others considered postponing plans to lie idly in a sun-kissed meadow whilst being fed fyne wines and plump berries by their servants.

“‘Tis such a nice season to lie idly, too,” spake Lord Hyrean, Arch-underchairsitter of the Exchequer for Silks and Linens. “It would have been a shame to miss it and instead have to worry about this nasty business of ‘gouverning.’”

Each annum, the Arch-chairsitters of the Exchequer must approve funds to be released from the Royal Coffers. In lean years when the spoils of war have not caused the Coffers to overflow with gold and jewels — or when merchant vessels ferrying lucrative spices from the East have been ravaged by pirates — determining the Kingdom’s budget priorities is no small task.

“Obviously, priority number one is goblets,” spake Schnute. “Gold, silver, and jewel-encrusted goblets from which His Majesty and His advisors can sip the rarest elixirs from the far corners of the Realm.

“Number two is usually horses. Then castles. Then capes. But after that ‘tis tough to get any agreement on what should get funded. There’s always the question of whether we should start paying our peasants. But unless there’s an active rebellion going on and it’s hard to crush, I don’t really see that budget item getting approved.”

Their work complete, sources say the Arch-chairsitters of the Exchequer have retired to an idyllic vacation on the coast, not to be seen until the next budget cycle.

Dark things be afoot in yonder wood. (Hans Thoma, Wikimedia Commons)

8 Out of 10 Wayfaring Strangers Report There Be Dæmons in Yonder Wood

A newe study from the Royal Institute of Wandering Vagabonds hath found that 8 out of 10 wayfaring strangers report there be dæmons or other sinister beasts in yonder wood.

“This study beeth groundbreaking in that more roadside travellers than e’er before have reported not only that there be dæmons in yonder wood, but also that thou wilt come to a fork in the road ahead, one way of which will lead thee to great wisdom, and the other to great peril,” spake RIWV researcher Görnie Longveine. “This opens up whole new lines of inquiry into just who these mysterious wanderers are and how they know such things.”

The study didst not confirm whether the wayfaring strangers’ reports were accurate or not. But it could only be presumed that they were, for these lonely rovers certainly hath travelled these roads for many a year, and hath seen many a fool come to his doom who wast knavish enough to venture into the forbidden forest.

“Whosoever doth come upon a solitary nomad in his travels wouldst be well-advised to heed his warnings,” spake Longveine. “Unless thou art on a pilgrimage or odyssey of great import, in which case thy destiny is already written and no wood-dæmon can stand in thy way.

“Or, of course, if thou hast been ordered to go there by The King.”