Does He Spend Too Much Tyme With His Guy Friends Because He Doesn’t Love Thee or Because He’s a Hermit Monk in a Secluded Mountaintop Monastery?

Take ye quiz and find out!

Does he spend more tyme on seven-year mercantile voyages than he does with thee? (John William Waterhouse, Wikimedia Commons)

Ladies, we know thou cannest feel lonely and under-appreciated when thy lover spends more tyme with his guy friends than he does with thee. Thou mayest worry that he cares more about them than he does about thee, and that his constant leaving to “get ales with ye boys” or “fight in the Crusades” or “discover a previously uncharted maritime trade route to the Land of Spice” will tear thy relationship apart.

But worry not! The tyme he spends with his mates is not necessarily a harbinger for the death of thy relationship.

‘Tis hard for both partners in a relationship — both man and she-man — to get this balance right. ‘Tis possible he doesn’t love thee, sure. But there are plenty of other explanations for his behaviour.

Take the quiz below to find out why he’s spending too much tyme with his guy friends. Perhaps he is not that into thee; perhaps he is a hermit monk living in a secluded mountaintop monastery; or perhaps there is another, more sinister, explanation.

When he hangs out with his guy friends, does he invite thee?

A. Nay. Womyn are prohibited in the taverns and wars that he frequents.

B. Nay. Womyn are prohibited from stepping foot on the monastery’s sacred grounds high up in the clouds. And I also hate hiking.

C. Yea. He is all too enthusiastic to invite me. But I don’t go because all of his friends are either peasants or actors, and hanging out with them is a bore.

What types of activities do he and his fellows take part in?

A. The usual manly endeavours: Thrusting, heaving, romping, wrangling, rollicking, skirmishing, and the like. Usually whilst drunk.

B. Mostly praying in silence. Occasionally nodding at one another in silence. Illuminating manuscripts in the scriptorium, in silence.

C. Reading poetry, plowing the fields, and/or talking yearningly about his love for me. Usually whilst drunk.

Doth he send thee missives whilst he is away?

A. Nay. He doth not know how to write. Only in the darkest hours of the night when he has drunk his fill and he is seeking to commit the carnal sin of lust will he hire a scribe to send me a missive asking if I am still awake.

B. Only once. He wrote me a letter to say that communicating with womyn is a sin and that I shall receive correspondence from him no more.

C. Yea, he despatches a crow with a new poem he wrote nigh on every five minutes. Things like:

Thine hair doth flutter

In the breeze.

Come joineth me at

The tavern, please.

And, later in the eve:

The tavernkeep

Didst fill my cup.

My loins are smarting.

Be thou up?

‘Tis soooo annoying.

When you approach him about thy concerns, how does he respond?

A. Ignores me, downs another ale, and gallops off to war atop his steed.

B. Bellows a Gregorian chant in my face and douses me with holy water.

C. Gazes into mine eyes and says,

“Thou art right, and I wast wrong.

I have much maturing to do, for our love is strong.

In future, to thee all day I shall cling,

So our love may bloom like a hyacinth in spring.”

Ye Results

Mostly As - Sorry, m’lady, but he’s not that into thee. It doth seem he shall fore’er be devoted to imbibing of the ale, fighting in wars, heaving large stones down hillocks, loathing womyn, and taking part in other common manly pastymes. Thou shalt always play second fiddle to his doughty desires. On the upside, he’s still super hot.

Mostly Bs - He is a hermit monk living in a secluded mountaintop monastery. Whilst he is bound by sacred vow to live an ascetic lyfe devoted to God, chastity, and utterly spurning womyn, there is hope for thee yet. Mayhaps you can convince him to leave the Church, and the two of thee can spend thy lives on the run, mercilessly pursued by the Inquisition. Or mayhaps an avalanche will destroy the monastery and slide him down the mountainside back into thine arms. Either way, don’t give up on love!

Mostly Cs - He is either a peasant or a poet. No way he would be that nice if he had money and/or status. GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP NOW!