If there’s one thing men of the cloth are known for, ‘tis being hulking, virile studmuffins who spread the Lord’s seed like a harrow in sowing season.
But all that is about to change.
A new papal bull hath decreed that clergymen are to remain not only unmarried, but completely celibate. Thou didst read that correct: Completely celibate. They’re not even allowed to get it on with concubines!
Sorry ladies, but thou shalt have to satiate thy lusts elsewhere. It seems our priests’ fertile farming fields are about to turn fallow. What’s next, are we going to tell our bishops to stop lifting weights and challenging Dwarves to drinking contests?
Church recruiters are predicting the new policy wilt lead to a massive decline in sexy ass popes, hunky bishops, and lithe, smooth-talking cardinals. Gone will be the days when His Popeness struts into the gymnasium with biceps bulging, wooing the womyn and belittling the men with his hallowed masculinity. No longer shall we witness the nights when the maidens line up outside the rectory bathhouse just to get a glimpse of his awe-inspiring pope stick.
“How am I to recruit our next generation of priests in this economy if being an international sex symbol is no longer part of the job description?” spake Church recruiter Father Pumpit. “Free love hath always been a huge selling point to young priests-to-be.
“What am I to tell them now: ‘Maybe thou cannest polish thine own pulpit sometymes whilst God isn’t looking’? It shall ne’er work.”
On the bright side, the new decree said nothing of nuns, whom are still allowed to do all the depraved nun-on-nun stuff that convents are known for. Deacons are also excluded from the rule, due mainly to an oversight on account of nobody gives a shyt about deacons. But as for the clergymen, their fantasies shall fore’er be relegated to the realm of latent coveting and lust.
“God never said it’s a sin to get thy freak on,” spake Pope Innocent XXVII, one of many anti-popes whomst opposed the bull. “If it is, then call me Pope Guilty.”
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O thou swole Pope
Of holy biceps and glutes
Who inspired in us manly Hope
Where goeth thy protein toots?
How wilt thou cultivate Mass?
And awe the Lord's flock with thy hot Ass?