Army Mobilized To Restore Christmas Cheer To Rebellious Provinces

Oyez! Oyez!

His Majesty The King hath taken the moste magnanimous action of deploying the Royal Army to all the rebellious provinces of the Kingdom to restore a feeling of Christmas cheer throughout the lande.

“In these difficult tymes of poverty and plague, ’tis often hard to maintain ye holiday spirit,” sayeth lowly subject Bliinë Foos. “Luckily, His Majesty’s troops will cut out the eyes of any man, womyn, or child caught frowning, so being sad is not an option!”

The Army hath confirmed that the mobilization’s sole purpose is to spread Christmas happiness and mirth to the far corners of the Realm, and any rebellions they happen to brutally crush along the way shall be totally coincidental.

Subjects caught bearing anything except a gleeful sentiment upon their countenance during the season of Yule shall be punished with the utmost severity.

“Ye Christmas Spirit is beneficent for both the economie and for the Royal Temper,” sayeth Royal Economist Meethal Pickelgräber. “The sight of peasants frowning, despite the fact that His Majesty giveth them soe much Courageous Leadership, is enough to drive any nobleman into a rage. Be they not thankful for the Gifting Tax, which gives them the privilege of adding to the Royal Coffers with each gift they give to friends and family?”

So if thou art feeling down this holiday season, remember: Being sad is illegal, and thou wilt be harshly disciplined for so being. Feelings are also subjective, and ’tis up to the good judgment of His Majesty’s officers to determine whom wast acting sad or not.

So beeth merry and praise The King!

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