Ye Opinion: This Tariff on Slaves Will Create More Jobs for Our Slaves Here at Home

A golden opportunity

This is the future we can have. (Wikimedia Commons)

There hath been much buzz in the Kingdom of late about His Majesty’s decision to place tariffs on a number of durable goods, chief amongst them slaves.

The King’s detractors argue that placing tariffs on slave imports will have ripple effects throughout our modern eckonomie. They say the costs of forced labour in our mines and quarries shall rise, and this will lead to increased costs for castle stone, increased costs for castle construction, and so on until building castles becomes so expensive that us lords are stuck living in the castles we already have.

But as far as mineself is concerned, this is all part of the plan.

Ponder it as such: If a lord or lady is unable to obtain sufficient quantities of foreign slaves to quarry their fief’s mines on the cheap, will this not offer a fyne opportunity to hire more slaves locally? Indeed it shall. I have already hired dozens of slaves from a village on my fiefdom’s periphery, and let me tell you that once you stab a few of their womynfolk they work harder than any foreign slave e’er could.

Let us not allow other lands to take advantage of us in the slave trade when we have plenty of hardworking, loyal, desperate future slaves here at home.

On top of that, this tariff shall offer more opportunities to go to war and enslave one’s enemies. Acquiring things through trade is so boring. ‘Tis far more manly to take what one desires at the tip of the spear. If thou art not willing to go to war to acquire slaves, then perhaps thou art not fit to have slaves a’tall.

And what of our merchants, scribes, and other white-ruff-collared professionals whomst shall be harmed by rising prices on wares such as rare ſpices, common ſpices, and designer codpieces? What if the eckonomick fallout causes these fyne men to lose their cushy office jobs? Well, there are plenty of stones to break, and they can easily transition into new jobs as slaves.

Opportunities as slaves abound for white-ruff-collared professionals such as this. (Wikimedia Commons)

Some people look at a man and see an individual devoid of eckonomick value. I look at a man and see an opportunity to exploit what little is left of his earthly body for profit.

‘Tis tyme for us to embrace the tariffs and get back to enslaving people here at home. Any man who thinks the slave tariff is a bad thing is welcome to come work for me as a slave and find out for himself.