Witch Accused of Cursing Judges to Win Beauty Contest. Judges: “Curse or No Curse, She’s Still Pretty Hot”
Showeth some ankle
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By Marius the Mage
Local spellcaster, evil witch, and scourge of the lonely woods Agatha Ambersorrow hath broken down welle-established boarders betwixt witches and commone folk everywhere. The young, buxom beauty recently won the Miss Serf Competition, an outcome that would hath been unheard of mere centuries agon.
Despite the commendable modern seventh century thinking displayed by the judges, this unpopular ruling caused a goodly deal of strife with many of the other fair maidens and royal ladies-in-waiting who chanced to be in the competition. Suspicions of dishonesty abound. Everything from casting magick spells ‘pon the judges, to goode olde fashioned bribery hath been put forth as reasons a “blasphemous witch” hath emerged victorious.
“Aye, ‘tis witchcraft that won her the sash, sure enough,” Maud Hussey screeched, gnashing what yellow teeth remained to her from a lifetyme of dental hygiene neglect. “There's plenty others wot should be wearing thine sash as opposed to that God-cursed one. Never thought we'd see the day that one of 'er sort was called beaut-e-full. Commith down to 'er casting spells, it did. Muddled with the minds of the judges and you may lay to that.”
Whilst magick is a common suspicion for the unexpected victory, ‘tis by no means the only theory. Others suspectith a more conventional means of dis-honesty by the witch.
“She paid off the judges, she did, in her witchly moneygrubbing waye,” sayth Biddie Blabbermouth with cold vehemence.
Blabbermouth, an accomplished local gossip and judger of other people’s business, stated her perspective in no uncertain terms.
“You mark me words, this cheating were simpler than spellcasting. It were the gold that exchanged hands that won ‘er the contest against such as the likes of me. Money is a brand of magick any noble can do.”
She paused, and with a deep breath with a good deal of emotion spoke of something that clearly disturbed her.
“Ambersorrow also lifted her skirts high enough to show more ankle than this realm hath seen in a decade. I shudder to say she weren't wearing no stockings neither. Near an inch—an inch—of bare ankle were blatantly and shamelessly exposed.”
Overcome with a case of vapors, Blabbermouth was forced to sit down on a sturdy chair and fan herself at the mere memory.
Such widespread accusations of chicanery led to beauty contest results being investigated by both His Majesty's High Inquisitor, and the Holy Church. To the surprise of all, both inquisitions deemed the accusations to be nothing more than hearsay.
As Inquisitor Orgerk Blyndeye stated in an official missive to the royal press, “Ambersorrow won simply because the accurséd witch is a damn sight beautifuler then the other wenches. Weren't hard to confirm once we lay an eye to Ambersorrow's competition." He grimaced at what was clearly a harrowing memory. "Why, what's left of Hussey's teeth are enough to make a scarecrow flinch.”
Ambersorrow, for her part, admits that she is indeed an evil witch, but that conventional opinion about evil witches’ ghastly appearances ist flawed.
“This is exactly the reason I wanted to enter this contest," spake she. “There's a negative stereotype that all evil witches are ugly. Society allows, nay expects good witches to be pretty, but not evil ones. ‘Tis past tyme the dark side of the witching community fights against this harmful misconception and unfair double standard.”
Ambersorrow first came up with the idea of entering the pageant whilst at work in her alchemy lab. She had been engage-ed in mixing a batch of potions to repair the large chunks of gingerbread that hath been removed from her home by a lost child she'd recently devoured.
“Suddenly a knight burst in on me shouting, 'God curse you, foul servant of the mangoat!' Then he did pause and lift his visor. In an expression of wonder, he intoned, 'Heeyyy. Pray, beg pardon. Didn't expect a witch to be so fyne. Prithee, bendith over that stove once more that I might gander anew at that well-rounded bottom?' Then he did snap his grieved fingers, winked, and cocked his head sideways as if I were some common harlot.”
Whilst rightfully offended by the uncourtly conduct of the chevalier, Ambersorrow intoned she was more appalled by his un-gallant assumption that she would be hideous. This proved to be the impetus needed for her to courageously break down the perceived social norm that all evil witches be ugly.
“The knight's surprise at my pleasant appearance underscored how society's expectation is for evil witches to be hideous, old, and crippled,” spake she. “But today I have proven that a witch who has solde her soul to the Devile can be a vile servant of Darkness on the inside, whilst still being beautiful, fashionable, and clothed in bright spring colors on the outside.”
Despite her helping society take such a great stride in social progress, negative evil witch stereotypes still abound.
“‘Tis hard to engage in a meaningful relationship when there's so much prejudice against witches," Ambersorrow said. "Just because we befuddle the minds of men, command the elements of earth, and are sworn servants of The Darkness, people are ready to treat us like old crones. I hope what I have done today encourages other young evil witches to be brave, and get out there and show some ankle."
Marius the Mage is a Wizard of the Order of Merlin, 2nd Class.
