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What to Do When a Band of Brigands Has Stolen Thy Horse’s Catalytic Converter

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What to Do When a Band of Brigands Has Stolen Thy Horse’s Catalytic Converter

Avenge thy horse

Jan Lionsnest
Apr 13, 2023
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What to Do When a Band of Brigands Has Stolen Thy Horse’s Catalytic Converter

www.yeoldetymenews.com
Catalytic converters are a common target of horse thieves. (From Geoffrey Chaucer’s “The Knight’s Tale”, Ellesmere Manuscript, Wikimedia Commons)

These days it doth seem as if thieves are running amock in our Kingdom’s streets, o’erland trade routes, and wooded paths. Aside from the occasional publick hanging, highwaymen practice their craft without inhibition. Their favourite target: thy steed, especially its catalytic converter.

Experts say some breeds of horse are more susceptible to catalytic converter theft. Those with long legs are higher off the ground, making it easier for thieves to get underneath and steal it quickly whilst thy horse is hitched up outside the tavern and you are drunk again. Also, horses named Pryus are more prone to theft, although no one knows why this is the case, except possibly that horses named Pryus doth suck.

Anywise, thou must protect thineself and thy precious palfrey from these iniquitous pilferers. Herein be some tips on what thou shouldst do if a band of brigands hath stolen thy horse’s catalytic converter.

Contact thy local sheriff or shire reeve

Write a letter to the authorities, and they are sure to respond promptly some tyme within the next seventeen feast days. Just be advised that thy local reeve may or may not imbibe prodigiously of the mead and/or hate peasants, so summoning him is always a risk. If you cannot compensate him for his services with more mead he is apt to steal thine entire horse and murder thee.

Take thy horse to the local repair shoppe

Thy local horse mechanic is a great place to go to have a professional stare at thy horse and say, “Aye, they swiped that catalytic converter clean off ‘er, methinks,” then charge you a month’s wages for the diagnosis.

Raise a posse of counter-brigands and scour the countryside seeking vengeance

A common solution if you happen to be charismatic, able to arm, armour, and supply twelve to thirty-five men, and have sworn a solemn vow to take the head of any soul fool enough to mess with thy horse. Those scoundrels shall pay for thy catalytic converter in blood!

Invent the concept of horse insurance then retroactively apply it to thy horse

Better yet, sell insurance at exorbitant rates to others looking to insure obscure parts of their animals. Some may consider this to be usury, but fie upon them! Usury is profitable. Use the usury earnings to buy a new catalytic converter.

Walk

Chances are you are too poor to afford a new horse and/or you have nowhere to go and should be working anyway. If you find that you absolutely must travel for a pilgrimage or war, take to the trails the olde fashioned way. Or get a donkey.

Join the brigands

If thou cannest not beat them, joinest them. It looks like they have a pretty solid business model going. Mayhaps a few years as a brigand shall earn you enough coin to buy a new horse catalytic converter.

Keep riding without it

Nobody really knows what a catalytic converter does anyway. You may notice that the ride is bumpier and louder than normal, and that some strange substances are leaking out from underneath, but those are mostly cosmetic issues. Overall, thy horse shall probably be fyne without it.

Ye Olde Tyme News is a vassal-supported publickation. To protect thy horse from catalytic converter theft, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Further reading

On horses:

Ye Olde Tyme News
Knight Should Have Ridden More Hay-Efficient Horse If He Didn’t Want To Pay So Much To Fill It Up
As the pryces of hay and oats reach record levels the Kingdom ‘round, valiant knights riding heavily armoured steeds are feeling the squeeze. Knights such as Sir Brandon the Basick, who rides a massive warhorse in full battle armour for many hours a day, hath been hit harde…
Read more
a year ago · 2 likes · Jan Lionsnest

On catalytic converters:

Situation Normal
Scoundrels stole my catalytic converter. Time for vigilantism!
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news over the past few decades, but the rule of law is under threat in America. On a recent Thursday morning, the consequences of our increasingly lawless society hit home. Literally. I woke up to find a note taped to our front door. The note was from an unidentified neighbor…
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a year ago · 21 likes · 35 comments · Michael Estrin

Substack has a new feature called “Notes,” which is basically Twitter. I hate Twitter and prefer to avoid social media in general, but mayhaps I shall post memes and such there on occasion to test it out. You can find Substack Notes in the Substack app or here:

Substack Notes

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What to Do When a Band of Brigands Has Stolen Thy Horse’s Catalytic Converter

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