What to Do When a Band of Brigands Has Stolen Thy Horse’s Catalytic Converter
Avenge thy horse
These days it doth seem as if thieves are running amock in our Kingdom’s streets, o’erland trade routes, and wooded paths. Aside from the occasional publick hanging, highwaymen practice their craft without inhibition. Their favourite target: thy steed, especially its catalytic converter.
Experts say some breeds of horse are more susceptible to catalytic converter theft. Those with long legs are higher off the ground, making it easier for thieves to get underneath and steal it quickly whilst thy horse is hitched up outside the tavern and you are drunk again. Also, horses named Pryus are more prone to theft, although no one knows why this is the case, except possibly that horses named Pryus doth suck.
Anywise, thou must protect thineself and thy precious palfrey from these iniquitous pilferers. Herein be some tips on what thou shouldst do if a band of brigands hath stolen thy horse’s catalytic converter.
Contact thy local sheriff or shire reeve
Write a letter to the authorities, and they are sure to respond promptly some tyme within the next seventeen feast days. Just be advised that thy local reeve may or may not imbibe prodigiously of the mead and/or hate peasants, so summoning him is always a risk. If you cannot compensate him for his services with more mead he is apt to steal thine entire horse and murder thee.
Take thy horse to the local repair shoppe
Thy local horse mechanic is a great place to go to have a professional stare at thy horse and say, “Aye, they swiped that catalytic converter clean off ‘er, methinks,” then charge you a month’s wages for the diagnosis.
Raise a posse of counter-brigands and scour the countryside seeking vengeance
A common solution if you happen to be charismatic, able to arm, armour, and supply twelve to thirty-five men, and have sworn a solemn vow to take the head of any soul fool enough to mess with thy horse. Those scoundrels shall pay for thy catalytic converter in blood!
Invent the concept of horse insurance then retroactively apply it to thy horse
Better yet, sell insurance at exorbitant rates to others looking to insure obscure parts of their animals. Some may consider this to be usury, but fie upon them! Usury is profitable. Use the usury earnings to buy a new catalytic converter.
Chances are you are too poor to afford a new horse and/or you have nowhere to go and should be working anyway. If you find that you absolutely must travel for a pilgrimage or war, take to the trails the olde fashioned way. Or get a donkey.
Join the brigands
If thou cannest not beat them, joinest them. It looks like they have a pretty solid business model going. Mayhaps a few years as a brigand shall earn you enough coin to buy a new horse catalytic converter.
Keep riding without it
Nobody really knows what a catalytic converter does anyway. You may notice that the ride is bumpier and louder than normal, and that some strange substances are leaking out from underneath, but those are mostly cosmetic issues. Overall, thy horse shall probably be fyne without it.
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On catalytic converters:
Substack has a new feature called “Notes,” which is basically Twitter. I hate Twitter and prefer to avoid social media in general, but mayhaps I shall post memes and such there on occasion to test it out. You can find Substack Notes in the Substack app or here: