This 10,000-Year-Olde Fire Demon Is Fighting Gentrification by Smiting Any Fool Who Dares Enter the Mines

“Not in my mines.”

Apr 25

An influx of Dwarven professionals hath been gentrifying the Kingdom’s mines, mountain passes, and quarries of late, but one local resident is fighting back. The Illurhög – a 10,000-year-olde fire demon that inhabits the deepest bowels of the earth and feasts on magma and flesh – is smiting any fool who dares enter its mines.

“At first, I considered fighting back through policy change and grassroots activism,” spake the Illurhög, its voice a deep rumble that shook the ground and spouted liquid flame with every breath. “But smiting is more my thing, and these Dwarves are so plump and delicious.”

In their insatiable lust for ore and rare earth minerals, Dwarven miners hath been encroaching on the neighbourhoods of many undermountain-dwelling residents. They claim their mining brings new business into long-neglected subterranean boroughs. But longtyme mine dwellers say they change the culture of the mines and raise the cost of rent, causing many locals to get priced out.

The Illurhög sayeth it was first awakened to the problem of gentrification in its ancient underground lair when a meddlesome mining crew drilled too deep and disturbed its centuries-long slumber.

“I had just lied down to take a quick thousand-year nap, and next thing I know the whole neighbourhood is filled with Dwarves,” spake the Illurhög. “I, for one, was not going to sit back and watch whilst housing prices skyrocketed and my neighbours were forced to move. I took it up with the Cavern Council, but they’re just two orcs who lurk around in the shadows licking salt off the walls, and they didn’t do shyt. So I took matters into mine own hands.”

The Dwarves contend that they hath every right to mine wheresoever they strike a rich deposit of gold, iron, adamant, or Gold2™, and that their mining activities have a positive impact on underground locales.

“The gods hath seen fit to place precious metals and gemstones deep in the earth so that we may mine them with wanton disregard for the environment and anyone whomst happens to live there already,” spake DwarfCorp’s Chief Overseer of the Mines Geert Stoutfyst. “An oracle told me that once. Sure, she was on our company’s payrolls, but who are we to deny the gods?”

Whilst the Illurhög hath had success in preventing gentrification in its lair, other subterranean beasts hath not been so lucky. Ogof K’lågt is a cave-dwelling anthropomorphic fish being whose community hath been transformed by an influx of commercial cave fishermen. What was once a vibrant fish-man scene is now filled with seafood restaurants, spice shops, and other surface-dwelling amenities.

“On the one hand, I hate that the newcomers are literally eating my neighbours because our fish-man meat is a prized delicacy on the surface,” spake he. “On the other hand, the microbreweries are pretty goode.”

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