The Seven Deadly Sins Ranked By Profitability

Put thy transgressions to goode use

The Wheel of Profit. (possibly Hieronymus Bosch, Wikimedia Commons)

We oft extol the virtues of virtue. Ladies gasconade amongst one another o’er whom is the prudest and most temperant soul at court. Lords puff up their breastplates about whom is the most erudite and chaste.

But virtue’s counterpart, vice, tends to get a bad rap. 

Vice certainly has its downsides, surely, but ‘tis hard to deny its lucrative potential. And perhaps the most fiscally promising vice of all is sin. 

Whilst we don’t necessarily want to encourage sin throughout the Realm, we definitely do want to exploit the peasantry to profit off it. If a young entrepreneur was looking to start a sin-based enterprise, one could do worse than basing it on one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

After a most thorough analysis of the commercial viability of these cardinal impieties, here is our ranking of the Seven Deadly Sins, based on profitability. 

7 - Pride

Pride ranks high on the sinfulness meter, but on its own is a difficult sin upon which to base a business. Unless thou art a politician, nobleman, or other professional operating in a hubris-heavy occupation, thou shall likely need to sin-stack pride with a second Deadly Sin, such as avarice or envy, in order to ahieve profitability. 

6 - Wrath

We like flying into a rage and mercilessly smiting our enemies as much as the next guy. But wrath, unfortunately, is not the most profitable sin. If you find yourself working in the wrath industry, herein be a few tips for maximizing thy wrath-based profits.

1. Always direct thy wrath towards rich people with lots of gold and poorly defended walls. Monasteries are ideal.

2. Alliances are critical. Nobody can smite the whole Realm on their own. Ally thyself with clans that are powerful and immoral enough to assist thee in thy indignant endeavours, yet weak enough to destroy when they ultimately turn against thee.

3. Don’t worry about the future. Thine unbridled wrath will inevitably be thy downfall. Don’t let that stop thee from maximizing profits in the short term.

5 - Envy

Naught can drive one to vainglory quite like hatred toward the success of another. Using thine envy to smear another’s reputation can be therapeutic, if not profitable forthwith. The key steps in creating a profitable envy-based startup are:

1. Covet thy neighbour’s wyfe, possessions, second wyfe, concubine, etc.

2. Brood.

3. Plot his downfall.

4. Brood some more.

5. Profit.

4 - Sloth

Oh, what a joy to commodify the idle hearts of the lazy! 

It can be nigh impossible to spur the slothful into action. The trick is to bring the product to them, to place all manner of tantalizing (and expensive) entertainment before their eyes so that they ne’er have to leave the comfort of their commode. Do this well, and it shall thrust them into an infinite downward spiral of remunerative sloth from which they shall ne’er escape!

3 - Lust

‘Tis often told that the pen is mightier than the sword. Well, when it comes to profitability, the codpiece is mightier than both. (Unless the pen and sword both were intended as phallic references and/or bedchamber playthings, in which case buy buy buy).

When thou thinkest of this Great Sin of the Flesh, thou mayest think of brothels, unfaithful affairs, and other things that don’t scale. But lust can serve as a gateway sin to more profitable endeavours. Many a ripe pair of loins hath started a war, launched a crusade, or felled a kingdom, much to the benefit of the loin-holder. 

There are also many underexplored opportunities in the budding womyn’s lust market, what with keys to chastity belts and the like. 

2 - Gluttony

More, more, more! Some people look at man’s insatiable desire for more and lament at the gluttonous consumerism which hath cursed our society.

Others see a business opportunity. 

A satisfied man a lousy customer maketh. Fortunately, ‘tis not in man’s nature to be satisfied. If consumers want to slam a ne’erending funnel of foodstuffs down their ravening gullets, are we to stop them? Nay. It is merely our job to grease the gullet then upsell them on dessert.

‘Tis as a wise man once said:

“Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man that seventeen courses of exotic fish is an acceptable supper for a single human being, you can open a successful chain of seafood restaurants and give the entire population gout.”

1 - Greed

If you thought sins of the loins were propicious, you’re sure to love sins of the coin. 

We all know divine shyt is, well, divine. But temporal shyt is way more fun. 

Whether thy greed is limited to stealing from peasants in thy local community, or involves taxing the entire Kingdom into poverty, ruthless avarice is guaranteed to earn thee a ha’pretty ha’penny. 

There’s nothing quite like a coffer full of coins to give meaning to this otherwise bleak and inevitable march towards the grave. That is, unless you’re an elf or some other sort of immortal being for whom death shall ne’er come, and whose eternal fountain all the gold in the Realm could not make flow with happiness. If that is the case, maybe try yoga.

If thou cann’t be a winner,

Mayhaps be a sinner.

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