Gramercy for reading Ye Olde Tyme News! Subscribe for free to bend thy knee before The King. Many benevolent graces wouldst also be bestowed upon thee if thou wert to share it amongst thy fellow lords and ladies.

The meek, am I right? Always meeking around all docile and submissive, expecting to one day inherit the earth as allegedly was promised them in some contract long ago.

But doth it have to be so? What hath the meek e’er done to earn such a treasured bequest?

If thou art a wealthy, noble born, non-meek lord or lady, mayhaps there is something thou cannest do to fight back and ensure the meek inherit naught, and thine estate remains fore’er in noble hands where it belongs. Herein be five things to do with thine inheritance that are way better than giving it to the meek.

Spend It on Surcoats

One can ne’er have too many lavish, flowing surcoats on which thy heraldic coat of arms is emblazoned in gemstones. Personalized surcoats are also a goode way to keep the meek from inheriting thy property against thy will: even if the meek do end up inheriting thy surcoats, chances are they won’t be the right size.

Invest in Ranks and Titles

What better way to keep thine estate out of the meek’s money-grubbing palms than by spending it on status symbols which can only be bequeathed on thy bloodline? With the right investments in ranks and titles, thou cannest become a Duke, an Archduke, a Viceroy, and even an Archviceroy. Goode luck inheriting that, meeklings!

Lobby for Anti-Meek Property Law

Whilst it is implied under current property law that the meek and other lowborne swine are prohibited from owning things, it couldn’t hurt to put thy resources towards getting this formalized in a Royal Decree or Divine Ordinance.

Burn It

As a last resort, ‘tis always possible to set thine entire fortune to the torch. If thou hast the resolve, mayhaps thou can burn the entire earth so that the meek have nothing to inherit a’tall. Surely ‘tis sad to see such abundance go up in flame, but at least the meek shan’t put their filthy hands on it!

Change Thy Family Name to ‘Meek’

If thou fears the meek shall get away with inheriting the earth after all, thou mayest want to hedge thy bets. If thy name happens to be “Sir Meek”, technically thou wilt be covered and will get an appropriate share of the meek’s inheritance at the End Tymes. Names such as von Meek, Meeksmith, and The Fourth Earl of Meekwood also count.

THE KING HATH DECREED: All Debtors Shall be Forgiv…Oops, We Just Beheaded Them

Oyez! Oyez!

By Decree of His Majesty The King, Lord of the Various Realms, Harbinger of Truth and Justice, Purveyor of Virtue, Esteemed Emissary of the Order of the Silken Breeches, Drinker of Golden Goblets, Wearer of Many Capes, Slayer of Dæmons (but not on Tuesdays), He Who Hath Fire in His Loins and Iron in His Heart, Sword of the Southern Vale, All Around Goode Guy, Etc.

Let it be known that all debtors shall be forgiv…

Oops. It seems we hath just beheaded them.

Bad tyming, methinks. Oh well, mayhaps they shouldst have paid The King when they hadst the chance.