Syck Deal for Peasants: Toil Obediently Thy Entire Lyfe Then Go to Heaven at Some Point in the Distant Future After You Die
Counteth me in!
E’eryone knows that being a peasant can be arduous and degrading: working the fields night and day, getting treated like sub-human cattle, dying of all sorts of painful diseases, being poor, etc. But it turns out there’s a silver lining: a new study by the Powers That Be hath shown that any peasants who toil obediently their entire lyfe shall be rewarded with entry into Heaven at some point in the distant future, long after they are dead.
And who said being a peasant sucks?
“Methinks ‘tis a wonderful deal, and every peasant should willingly and subserviently take part,” spake Baron Uptower, lord of many fruitful estates in the Drumlands and a sponsor of the study. “Almost makes me wish I was a peasant. But, lo! I must bear the unholy burden of being rich, powerful, and happy whilst I’m still alive.”
Despite initial skepticism by poorfolk and their ilk, the Powers That Be hath proven with 100% confidence that peasants will be satisfied with the results, so long as they are docile and compliant their whole lives before reaping the rewards.
“When one thinks in the long/ethereal-term, ‘tis an investment with a huge upside,” spake Viscount Argost, a country gentleman. “We’re talking immediate and infinite payout as soon as you die.
“Don’t go dying on us too soon, though,” he didst add with a wink. “We still need to get a solid 35 to 40 years of work out of thee to ensure entry into Heaven.”
The Powers That Be hath offered all peasants some tippes on how to best ensure their eventual admission into Paradise.
Be Meek. Nobody likes an bossy villein. Make sure thou art meek and submissive in both mind and spirit.
Doeth away with excesses. Worldly goodes are very un-meek and will look bad on thy résumé in the afterlyfe. Give any extra money or possessions thou hast to the Church or a nobleman.
Do it for God. If there’s one thing we know for sure, ‘tis that God cares about agricultural productivity. The best way to please him is to produce a surplus of grain that thy lord can turn around and sell at a hefty profit.
‘Tis that simple! If thou desires everlasting joy, having it in this lyfe is not an option. But with some hard work and grovelling subservience, thou can have as much joy as thou pleases in the next one!
Disclaimer: Study results doth not apply to serfs or womyn.
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-Ye Royal Scrivener of Letters, Jan Lionsnest
Fromme ye archive:
Methinks I shall have "Nobody likes an bossy villein" woven into a fine tapestry to hang in my castle break room. I jest! My vassals are not allowed breaks, of course.