Study: Kingdom’s Drinking Water Contaminated With Dangerous Levels of Lovesick Maidens Drowning in the Throes of Heartbreak

Fie on our water!

Jul 15, 2023

Drinking from this stream couldst be both fatal and sad. (John Everett Millais, Wikimedia Commons)

A recent study from the Royal Magistrate of Streams, Springs, and Wells hath shown that much of the Kingdom’s drinking water ist contaminated with dangerous levels of lovesick maidens slowly slipping under, drowning in the throes of heartbreak.

“Normal MDTH (Maidens Drowning in the Throes of Heartbreak) levels are 0.01-0.05 maidens per stream. What we’re looking at now is a potentially fatal but emotionally stirring 0.3-0.4 maidens per stream,” wrote lead researcher Rennis Wellwatcher. “We’re still investigating what types of heart-rending tragedies and failed courtships may have led to such sorrowful numbers.”

Experts say these “forever chemicals” will ne’er go away because, for better or worse, love’s grip on the heart is eternal.

“What sad fate led these fair maidens to their watery deaths?” the study pondered. “Perhaps they threw themselves from the bough of an overhanging sycamore tree, representing the precipitous fall from the arms of their former lover. Or perhaps they waded slowly into the river as the cold waters enveloped their body, just as the cold grip of love once enveloped their innocent heart.

“We’re still running tests to determine which is the case.”

Many concerned denizens hath volunteered to clean up our polluted waterways, throwing themselves into the waters to rescue any maidens whose hearts may yet love again.

“Just yestereve I thrust mineself into a lough and wrapped mine arms around a lovesick lady drowning there, kissing her frantically in a vain attempt to get the MDTH levels down. And also to marry her,” spake Sir Hadward, who works full tyme as a hopeless romantic. “Alas, she was already dead, so I married her sister instead.”

Side effects of imbibing these contaminated waters include cholera, dysentery, and pondering the fleeting nature of love and the inevitability of death.

Fromme ye archives:

“‘Tis Just Like Sports Except You Die,” and Other Fun Reasons to Go to War

Needeth more reasons to go to War other than to doeth thy duty to honour The King? Looketh no further. Herein be many a fun reason to don thy battle gear and dive headlong into the fray.

‘Tis just like sports, except thou and many of the players on each team die a violent and painful death.
Thou wilt maketh many great friends who will also die.
‘Tis goode for ye economie.
‘Tis badde for ye enemy’s economie.
Three square meals a fortnight.
Forced marches throughst the scenic countryside.
Horses. They wilt also die.
The punishment The King shall inflict upon thee if thou flees the levy shall be far worse than death.
Lucrative benefits. (For The King, not for thee).
Meeteth people from many interesting cultures and killeth them.
Thou dothn’t have a choice.