Royal Headwear That Screams ‘My Husband Is Quelling A Serf Uprising’
Don't leave thy palace during a rebellion without it
By Emily Knapp, Rotten Cabbage Thrower
‘Tis oft trying to choose the perfect headwear in which to shroud thyself whilst the lower classes threaten to storm the breaches of thyne husband’s mighty castle. But fear and fret not, for thy noble prince ist firmly in control of the situation! Herein be some headwear ideas that just scream “My husband is quelling a serf uprising.”
Coronation Crown
Alas, the serfs may be rioting, but that doth not mean yer style must suffer. Dust off that bejeweled diadem and remind those filthy peasants who’s in charge: thyne husband.
Golden Silk Escoffion
This enormous monstrosity is a mighty choice should thou be hoping to make a statement. Every mud-caked non-person will be able to see thou art planted firmly beside your King as He launches an archery attack on those pathetic scoundrels. Plus, those pesky serfs will ne’er be able to hit thee with stones and pebbles because the golden silk upon thyne head is both brilliant and blinding!
Gilded Guirland
Adorn thyself how thou wants to feel, they always claim! And just because there is imminent doom threatening the very livelihood of the Kingdom and the fragile feudal system that protects thy wealth, doth not mean thou can’t feel goode about thyself on the exterior. And technically, this uprising is a special occasion! So, break out thy ruby inlaid guirland and let’s pretend ‘tis May Day!
Black Velvet Conical Hennin
This muted, yet classy, option is terrific for the preemptive mourning thou finds thyself doing of late. No one likes a weepy queen who doth not look her best, so make certain to wear this whilst thou openly weeps in the chapel. Specifically, when the light is harsh yet subdued, so it can highlight the dramatic nature of thyne headpiece.
Pearl-Lined Gable Hood
Tymes art looking bleak, and even though thou art steadfastly beside thyne husband because thy lyfe depends on it, all goode things must come to an end. This pearl-lined gable hood is the most subdued headwear in thy wardrobe and ‘tis the perfect choice to wear whilst thou surrenders to the rioters by pretending to be a lowly maid. It may not be the lyfe thou envisioned, but best to get on the side of the coup rather than risk being cast out of society, or worse, publicly executed.
Emily Knapp is but a humble scribe living in an unmapped and unchartered land. You can find her jeers and jests in McSweeney's, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, and on posters in neighboring towne squares. emilyknappwriter.com