Royal Guard Vows to Promote Diversity by Killing Men, Elves, Dwarves, Orcs, Dwarf-Orcs, Wizards, Witches, All Races Equally
About tyme.
By Divyansh Kulshrestha, Executioner’s Apprentice
Amid the Royal Army’s invasion of the neighboring kingdom of Charania, Captain of the Royal Guard Sterkbyg Bygsterkson announced on Sunday that in order to fulfill The King’s wish to promote diversity, his soldiers will now kill members of all races equally. The races included as part of this initiative include:
Men;
Elves;
Dark Elves;
Dwarves;
Orcs;
Dwarf-Orcs;
Witches;
Wizards;
Magickal Animals;
And many, many others.
“We hath realized that the pure process of ripping an innocent’s heart out with one’s sword ist incomplete if we start differentiating on the basis of race,” spake Bygsterkson. “Mine warriors assureth thee that the next massacre shall be the most diverse one ever to take place.”
A recent survey of severed heads and rotten bodies following an invasion of some puny and insignificant outlying princedom concluded that the Royal Guard had murdered primarily Men and a few token Elves. Subjects of other races wert merely plundered, wounded, or humiliated, but otherwise left unkilt, denying them a chance at the status of equality.
This hath led to resentmente amongst the liberal élites at Court, who doth claim the Royal Guard must not discriminate whilst ravaging other territories in the same way that they doth not discriminate whence they feed their serfs to the wolves without regard to race.
According to the new wartyme decree, soldiers art still free to torture, maim, bludgeon, eviscerate, impale, and decapitate any rebellious Man they see so long as they kill a few Orcs, Wizards and Elves along with him.
The proclamation hath been met by widespread praise by all inhabitants of Charania.
“It hath always been my dream that my kids wolde see a world where they can be deemed equal to the Elves and Witches of Charania before their heads art cut off,” spake Ziruk Toh, a poor Orc-of-the-mines and longtyme Charania resident.
Ne’ertheless, a mob of anti-war protesters outside the court hath criticized the move, arguing the change is just Royal propaganda meant to distract from the fact that The King is killing everyone in the first place.
At ye presse tyme, The King announced an exception to the policy whereby He shall continue feeding the Royal Dragon on a primarily Dwarf diet, since they taste better and the Dragon is a picky eater.
Divyansh Kulshrestha is a writer-jester from the lands of India, where he enjoyeth sitting with his ink and parchment to scribble down bizarre ideas that maketh him giggle. Those who wisheth to can see his work in magazines like Flexx Mag and EOTB - Sports, and can hear his interview on the Green Light Podcast (On Ye Olde Spotify).
In other news:
