Review: PS5 (Paladin Sword 5): The Future of Crusading or Just Another Mediocre Enchanted Broadsword?
Next-gen smiting ist here
By Marius the Mage
The release of the latest Paladin Sword, the Fifth of Its Kind (PS5) last year hath caused great excitement in evil-smiting circles. Forges across the realm were inundated with pre-orders from liege lords eager to get their gauntlets on this latest creation. The blade’s low availability and high price hath risen still further in recent months, as the plague-riddled Kingdom made it difficult for smiths to obtain dragon-blood infused Bamascus steel, the material from which the blade is wrought.
Nevertheless, glad tidings of this Paladin Sword 5 hath spread like dragon’s fire, and talk in taverns, guild halls, and armories was of little else before it was first made available. But is such a sword worth the dowry of an ugly duchess?
Sir Archibald Belchbreth sayith nay!
“The blade is overpriced Centaur droppings,” Sir Archibald iterated depreciatively between belches. “Tis imbalanced most grievously and not worthy to slice toast. What’s more, it cometh not with a scabbard. The blacksmith from whom I bought it pompously proclaimed, ‘scabbards sold separately,’ and demanded more coin. ‘Tis vile trickery!”
Despite these denunciations, Sir Archibald reluctantly admitted that the sword proved effective in smiting greedy blacksmiths who demanded extra payment for corresponding sword sheaths.
“Verily, it cuts a fine figure at a party,” Sir Gala Handzy agreed, pointing towards the remains of a turnipmonger he had bisected to impress a few onlooking noblewomen. “The PS5 worketh on peasants surely enough, but prithee, what abouth ogres? I used it against an ogre just the other day to no appreciable effect. Thankith heaven I had an expendable squire for the brute to rend asunder whilst I made my escape.
“Even if my sword was useless against the monster, I would have hated to throw away such a fashionable, expensive weapon to more easily flee for safety.”
Despite these harsh criticisms, His Majesty’s Master at Arms, Sir Belvedere Brawny is one of the new sword’s staunchest advocates.
“The PS5 is a work of art,” he sayith. “Wielded in competent hands one can carry the day on any field of battle.”
When asked about Sir Handzy’s opprobrious remarks, Sir Brawny became sardonic.
“Thou must be a level five Paladin to use the blessed thing. It’s in the bloody name,” he sayith. “By all the saints at the backdoor of purgatory, how much easier could we maketh it for these noble knaves to understand? Handzy must change class and before he useth the blade.”
Despite this endorsement, many, like Handzy, remain unconvinced.
“Prithee, what doth he mean, ‘I must ‘change class’ before I can useth it? Why, I’m a Duke. That's extremely high class,” Handzy replied, reflexively beginning to polish his royal seal in a fervent effort to cool his boiling blue blood. “I daresay any shortcomings in performance are surely the fault of the PS5.”
Whether goode or badde, Paladin Sword 5 sales remain high about the Kingdom. Only time will tell of its true effectiveness. Verily, we shall yet see if skilled Paladins can make goodly use of this new steel.
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