If there’s one thing that’s true about the holidays, ‘tis that children are mischievous rascals that need to be spied on constantly to ensure proper behaviour. What better way to keep thy younglings in line than by employing a cadre of small creatures to watch their every move and report back on whether they’ve been naughty or nice?

These days there are a whole host of diminutive creatures thou can employ to spy on thy children during the holidays. But with so many choices it can be hard to decide which ones thou shouldst hire to surveil the little varmints.

Which creatures employ the best spycraft? Which ones have a direct reporting line to Santa Claus? Are thy children misbehaving only in shelved environments or in locations outside the field of view of a shelf?

Luckily, we’ve reviewed some of the top choices in the industry to help thee decide.

Elf on a Shelf

The classic Christmas scout, the Elf on a Shelf uses the latest spycraft methods and is also in the direct chain of command to the Fat Man himself. That means anything the Elf sees gets reported straight to the North Pole. For an extra cost, he’ll produce detailed naughtiness and niceness metrics in classified daily intelligence reports. Certainly a quality choice, but we don’t like how many of his more advanced analytical features require additional payments. His observations are also limited to those crimes which happen within view of a shelf. A-

Goblin in the Cupboard

Catch the little rats the next tyme they try to steal treats from thy cupboard. The downside is the Goblin will eat whatever the children do not. He might eat some of the children, too, which isn’t too big of a deal if thou has a lot of them. C-

Dwarf in the Bathroom

Dost thou harbour the sneaking suspicion that thy children are being naughty in the privy? If this be the case, then hire a Dwarf in the Bathroom to keep tabs on their lavatorial mischief. The fact that every dwarf is a direct descendant of Santa Claus through his second wife the dwarf princess Nórdri will help ensure his reports land on Santa’s desk.

Tactically, the Dwarf is often not content to sit back and observe, and he will use intimidation and threats to force the children to behave. We think this is a positive feature, but parents who don’t like Dwarves threatening their children may disagree. B

Gnome Peeping Through the Bedroom Window

During a trial run, this reviewer caught the Gnome spying on him whilst he slept. When this reviewer politely asked him to leave and get back to work spying on the children, the Gnome started panting more quietly and pretended he wasn’t there. Not recommended unless thou art into that sort of thing. D+

Recon Faerie

Not thine average Faerie. Recon Faerie is highly trained in hand-to-hand combat, long range reconnaissance, and targeted assassination. She comes with a 100% guarantee of mission accomplishment and complete annihilation of the enemy or thy money back. Some parents may consider her skillset a bit extreme when the mission is simply to decide whether or not to get thy children Christmas presents. C+

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a year ago · 1 like · Jan Lionsnest