‘Tis common for a lady to be attacked by bats during the Halloween season. But many of us wonder why. Did a cauldron of bats descend upon thy body purely at random in celebration of these spooky festivities, or was there something pungent emanating from beneath thy chemise which attracted them to thee in particular?

Taketh the quiz below to find out if bats are attacking thee simply because it is Halloween, or if they’re attacking thee specifically because thy ladyparts smell like moths.

Are the bats attacking thy body in general or thy ladyparts specifically?

A. My body in general.

B. That is a private matter. ‘Tis uncouth of thee to e’en mention a lady’s privates, be they mothy or otherwise. However, if thou merely opens thine eyes, thou wilt observe many bats roosting around my pudendum.

Hast thou recently been attacked by any other insectivores?

A. Nay. The feeding habits of the creatures that attack me vary greatly.

B. Spiders sometimes. Birds frequently. There’s a nightingale in my hose right now.

Hast thou ever noticed moths fluttering around thy waistline for weeks on end?

A. Haven’t noticed, on account of all the bats, but after the bats clear I will make it a point to look.

B. Nay. The birds usually get rid of them for me.

Do people frequently comment about the moth-like pheromones emanating from thy crotch?

A. No more than they do about anyone else.

B. Not unless thou considers the feeding call of the nightingale to be such a comment. Because that guy ne’er shuts up.

When wast the last tyme thou bathed?

A. Within a fortnight, at least.

B. I once waded throughst a river during the Hundred Years’ War. But it only went up to my knees.

Ye Results

Mostly As. Thou hast nothing to worry about. ‘Tis likely the bats are merely attacking thee because it is Halloween. Once this pagan festival ends they shall return to their caves and leave thee be.

Mostly Bs. The bats are most definitely attacking thee because thy ladyparts smell like moths. The bad news is that the stench is very hard to get rid of. The goode news is that everyone else smells like that, too.