Poor Job Outlook for Philosophers Not Important in Grand Scheme of Things, Report Philosophers
The only true wisdom is in knowing I do not need a job
The Kingdom’s philosophers say they are not concerned with reports of a poor job outlook for philosophers, sophists, ponderers, and general-purpose wise men, citing the postulation that it is “not all that important in the grand scheme of things.”
“Why must one get ‘a job’ anyway?” pondered Horwind Bithicus. “I cannot deduce any cosmological purpose as to why my getting ‘a job’ is fundamental to the nature of the universe. Therefore, I see no metaphysical reason to update my résumé.
“Also, I married into money, so I’m pretty much set.”
This once-prestigious profession hath experienced a decline in both the number and quality of jobs available. Many organizations that once employed full-tyme staff philosophers now get most of their philosophy from freelancers or outsource it to crystal balls.
But the Philosophers’ Guild is not worried about these seemingly troubling economick shifts.
“The job market is ever transitory in nature, with its persistent booms and busts, and greedy little men seeking fame and fortune from the sweat off their backs,” spake Philosophers’ Guild Vice Treasurer Conmore Blakely. “Must we all be cursed with the Sisyphean task of performing ‘work’ in order to earn ‘money’ to pay ‘rent’ and stop being an ‘impotent loser who lives in his parents’ basement’? Nay, says I. A wise man knows better.”
Many argue it is not worth the happiness and wealth of society if even one innocent philosopher needs to be tortured by the prospect of finding a job to attain such ends. Worldly trivialities, like a stable income and producing things, would sully their pure and discerning minds, they say.
“Society and my wife tell me it is ‘wrong’ to remain in my study all day drinking ale and smoking merryberry leaf whilst I ponder the great questions of existence,” spake Edward Heathbarrow. “But who are they to tell me what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’? Who are they to play God with my career? Who are they to send an application to the local shopkeeper on my behalf then force me to shave my philosopher’s beard to look presentable for an interview, thus inhibiting my free will?”
Still others preach that employment is but a trifle in the face of the slow march towards death that plagues us all.
“When the Reaper Man cometh, he shall give no respite to merchants, or lawmen, or even princes. I shall march towards Death on my own terms, without the laborious hindrances of a nones-to-fife,” spake Esteemed Lecturer at Large Philator Pumbus. “And anyway, my seventeen volume treatise on deontological ethics is sure to become a bestseller any day now.”
At ye presse tyme, most philosophers were forced to get a job with their wealthy merchant father-in-law after their wives threatened to take away their favourite thinking chair.
Thank ye for this excellent report. One industry-related question for Horwind Bithicus (from this aspiring philosopher): How exactly doth one "marry into money"?
The philosophical texts do not specify.
Sociology majors too!