Plague Death Toll Rises to Who Cares They're All Peasants

Close call

They seem happy enough. (Michael Wolgemut’s “Dance of Death,” Nuremberg Chronicles, Wikimedia Commons)

Nobles e’erywhere can breathe a sigh of relief: A new report from the Royal Academie of Maths and Numericals hath shown that deaths from the plague hath risen to record levels of nobody cares they’re all peasants.

“What goode luck that the death count is largely limited to people who don’t matter,” spake Royal Sürgeon Dr. Jeclonius Sphłînt. “I can’t imagine any situation where the unprecedented underpopulation will lead to labour shortages, increasing demands for higher wages amongst the peasantry, and the ultimate end to our grand feudal society.

“Nay. Methinks we’re goode.”

The plague originally caused great worry amongst the nobility, who briskly escaped to their country estates to sip wine in the early afternoons and tell each other stories whilst lounging in idyllic gardens and meadows.

Now experts say ‘tis naught to worry about, for if these lowbornes didn’t die of plague they certainly would have found other demeaning ways to die, like sieges or pitchfork accidents.

“If there’s one thing meknows about peasants, ‘tis that they’re really goode at dying,” Sphłînt spake. “If they want to be poor, sick, and dead, who am I to stop them?”

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Common Misconception: Having All of Thy Possessions Stolen by Skeletons Doth Not Exempt Thee from Paying Taxes

‘Tis a common misconception amongst taxpayers Kingdomwide that having all of thy possessions stolen by reanimated skeletons doth exempt thee from paying taxes. Royal Tax Advisor Jervosh Pocketminn hath provided some clarification for any subjects in such a situation.

"One may thinkest that just because thou wast carrying all of thy belongings on thy back when thou wast accosted by evil skeletons who stole everything thou owns, that thou wouldst be exempt from paying the Belongings Tax. But thou wouldst be mistaken," sayeth Pocketminn. "By Royal Decree, thou art required to pay taxes on all belongings thou possessed before thou wast attacked by skeletons, plus taxes on all belongings thou still retained after the attack was over.”

Since thou art also poor now, thou wilt be required to pay an additional Poor Tax. If thou wast injured in the scuffle, thou may have to pay an Injury Tax as well, depending on severity.

“Also, beeth sure to report the incident to thy nearest necro-constables so they can bringeth the skeletons to justice and return them to their graves, for this is required by law,” he added. “They will charge thee a standard fee for their services, which will also be taxed.”

We hopeth this clears things up!

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