New Policy Allows Church to Sell Thy Prayer Data to Advertisers

How to take back control of thy prayer data

God is watching, more closely than thou can imagine. (Jean Fouquet, Getty Museum)

If thou hast noticed that thy prayers of late are increasingly infused with targeted marketing campaigns, thou art not alone. A new Church policy now allows God to harvest thy prayer data and sell it to advertisers.

Despite concerns from thoughts and prayers privacy groups, the Church sayeth it only collects the data for the benefit of its users.

“We only collect data to give our faithful disciples the holiest experience possible, and to keep them safe in the Hands of God,” spake Church spokesman Cardinal Trustum Llongbeak. “All of this is covered thoroughly in our privacy policy, which is written in longhand Olde Aramaic and stored securely in Heaven’s Legal Department. We welcome all users to review this policy, and we have conveniently made it available for free download as soon as you die.”

The Church passed the papal bull quietly, knowing how reluctant people can be about letting an omniscient being harvest their hopes and dreams then sell them to corporations and/or the government for profit. But the document was soon discovered after God accidentally posted it to a publick prayer group in South Peasanton. The document further revealed that most prayers don’t even go to God Himself, but to a series of angels and third-party deities, called “servers”, who record thy every invocation then serve thy prayer feed with tailored ads for eggs, oxen, wooden carts, or whatever else you filthy peasants are into.

Many Church customers art worried that not only is data on their prayers being sold to the highest bidder, but data on their everyday thoughts as well.

“One morn, I was working m’lord’s fief threshing some wheat, wistfully pondering how fyne it would be to have a brown goat,” spake local peasant Græham Græhamson. “Sure enough, when I looked up, before me there stood a goat merchant selling brown goats out of a goatwain. Sure, in this case it was useful — I bought the goat — but clearly my non-prayer thoughts had been fed into my prayer feed without my consent.”

If thou hast found thy prayers and/or divine revelations targeted by pesky ads, herein be some tips on how to control the issue.

Update thy preferences

A little known trick, but one which every faithful acolyte should be familiar with. Thou can update thy preferences at the beginning of each prayer session to suit thy privacy requirements. For example, starting a prayer by saying “Turn on private browsing mode” will greatly limit the types of data the Church can collect.

Block third-party deities

God often outsources His prayer-answering duties to third-party deities. These minor gods tend to be less reputable and can be used to track thy hopes and dreams across the heavens or whatever mysterious realm they happen to inhabit. If thou can afford it, there are many prayer helmets and amulets specifically designed to block these small gods from accessing thy information.

Only confess to the boring shyte

If the Church is selling thy prayer data to advertisers, ‘tis likely they’re giving thy confession data to the Royal Constabulary as well. When thou enters the confessional, only accept forgiveness for misdemeanours and minor sins, such as skulduggery or murdering a Welshman. Otherwise thou mayest soon find thy head on a pike.

Always pray from a VPN (Very imPregnable Nave)

Certain naves offer much better prayer protection than others. If thou art taking part in a particularly sensitive devotion, be sure to pray from a VPN. Stone and brick naves offer the best security, naves built of lumber and thatch less so.

Leave the Church

The only surefire way to guarantee thy privacy is to stop praying for goode and cut all ties with the Church. The downside is thou shalt rot in Hell for eternity, so plan accordingly before employing this technique.

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