Man Solemnly Vomits Ale and Sausages in Honour of Kingdom’s Founding
Best Kingdom E’er
In accordance with tradition, His Majesty’s subjects gathered today to honour the Kingdom’s founding by stuffing their faces with ale and sausages then brazenly vomiting all o’er themselves.
“Every tyme I heave another guttural spout of freedom, it reminds me how thankful I am to live in the greatest Kingdom that e’er was,” spake local peasant Sprow Moleshillock. “This Kingdom was founded on the principle that any man shouldst be able to stock himself so full of alcohol and smoked meats that his stomach contents erupt onto the floor of the village square.”
The Kingdom’s many storied holiday traditions date back to the day of its founding, when Artafish the wizard first blew his fingers off in a stunning fireworks display. Since then, countless subjects have marked the Kingdom’s birth with parades, feasts, and alchemy-related mishaps.
“Our founding fathers envisioned a land where any man, wizard, or elf could smoke far too much merryberry leaf then handle explosives,” spake Royal Spokesmæster Wulfwythe Swoondrake. “I implore every subject of The Crowne to take a moment to remember those brave heroes who fought for the right to cram our gullets with beer and sausages whilst experimenting with pyrotechnics and dark sorcery.”
So if thou dost find thyself parading garishly throughst the streets swilling fyne wines atop thy vintage candy apple red stallion, forget not to vomit once or twice for those who made this dream a reality.
If an ale and meat extravaganza is not right for thee, there be plenty of other ways to celebrate our Kingdom’s birth:
Wave a flag and cry.
Start a war.
Reminisce about thy younger days when you were able to vomit more ale and sausages than your current physical condition allows.
Get levied into the army. Get trampled by a horse. Get promoted. Get trampled by a bigger horse.
Go for a walk by the moat in full armour.
Go swimming in the moat in full armour.
Almost get levied into the army, but then get rejected for being flat of foote. Tell everyone about the tyme you almost got levied into the army, whilst vomiting ale and sausages.
Sing the praises of our Kingdom’s army, the greatest army in all the land. Break thine own foote on purpose to avoid getting levied into it.
Get arrested for riding thy horse whilst intoxicated.
Escape from the dungeon and crash thy horse into the moat.
Rescue the knight who went swimming there in full armour.
Catch a ride home on an eagle. Don’t tip him or leave a review.
Enjoy tyme with thy friends and family, even though they’re all vomiting ale and sausages.
Stuff thy peasant face.