Looketh Out Ladies: Boëthius Got a New Ox and Now He’s the Hottest Shyt in the Village
‘Tis a real chemise dropper
Looketh out ladies, the most eligible bachelor in the village, Boëthius Turnipfarmer, hath just bought a new ox, and he looketh fly as hell sporting it ‘round the town.
“When I didst spy Boëthius from afar plowing the fields behind that new beast, mine undergarments didst drop. Or, they wouldst have dropped if I couldst afford undergarments,” spake local damsel Gertrude Wenchly. “I do say, when he revs the engine on that badde boy and winks, it nigh on moistens the loynes of e’ery marriageable dame in the village.”
The ox beeth a fiery candy apple red with a slick white plowing stripe that ist sure to set the lasses’ hearts racing.
“G’day, fair maidens. Whomst wanteth a ride on mine ox?” Boëthius didst sayeth as he pull’d up outside the tavern, his ox braying loudly to demonstrate its powerful lungs. The six or seven unmarried wenches in town quickly fought o’er a seat astride his ride. “Methinks thou hast ne’er plowed a field on a beast quite like this. In fifth gear this baby can get up to two, three furlongs an hour.”
Boëthius ist in the hunt for a new wife after his previous seven didst succumb to the typhoid. His hot new draft animal ist sure to have all the maidens in the village fighting o’er his hand. But even as irresistible as he be, rumours abound that he hath taken out a high interest rate loan to purchase the beast, and he may very well end up in debtor’s prison if the turnip crop hath an off year.
Ne’ertheless, if an audacious, life-on-the-edge turnip farmer beeth what thou art seeking in a peasant husband, then Boëthius and his new ox are on the market.
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In other news:
Mineself wast interviewed for a podcast yesterday, and ‘tis expected to be published in the next month or two. Many thanks to Kegan at Greener Pastures Magazine for ye opportunity.
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