Look, I'm a Feminist, But Every Womyn In This Village Is Definitely a Witch
I am a steadfast ally of the ladyfolk, except all of the ones who are witches, which is all of them.
By Divyansh Kulshrestha, Executioner’s Apprentice
As a feminist, I hate to say it, but ‘tis the truth: every womyn in this village is definitely a witch.
Whilst I still believeth that womyn are important for society to function, I feel that it doth not hold true for my village, because the fact of the matter is that all the womynfolk of this village are a grave danger to the men.
First of all, I wolde like to dispel the notion that I’m a misogynist. Since day one, I hath always been an ally to my female kin. I supporteth their right to own property, like spoons, crockery, spindles, bonnets, and stupyde little dresses. I’ve always believed that ‘tis high tyme that womyn should be allowed to sneeze in publick without asking for their husbands’ permission. But sometymes thou hast to be truthful to God by judging everyone case-by-case. And in this case, ‘tis very clear that there be not one single womyn in this village who doth not have evil in her veins.
Today, many womyn in their youth goeth againste the wishes of their fathers because they wanteth to “follow their dream” of becoming an artist or a writer. Dost thou think that writing books is better than becoming the maidservant of a wealthy noble’s elder son? Not at all. To me, this be a clear sign that the Devil hath slowly started to take over the minds of these ladies.
Thou mightest also remember the many ladies who hath accused Royal Surgeon Dr. Jeclonius Sphłînt of inappropriately touching them. Anyone who hath heard these lies knoweth them to be blasphemy. Dr. Sphłînt wouldst ne’er do that. I hath a lot of female friends and at least 6 of these agree that he’s a saint of a man. And anywise, even if he did touch thee, he probably cured some sort of witch disease thou didn’t know thou had. What else can this be other than a signal that Lucifer hath made his way into thy puny womyn minds?
I never back down when listening to my female compatriots, and it is obvious that not all of them will agree with me. However, I feeleth that my instincts serve me right on which womyn I should believe.
Now, it is the truth that womyn are disproportionally accused of witchcraft. This beeth a problem, and I wolde like to make it clear that I wouldst totally speak out against a case where I was completely sure that the womyn in question was not a witch. But feminism means we must treateth everyone equally, even when we’re accusing someone of poisoning our fields under direct instructions from the depths of Hell.
Many people asketh me why 10 out 10 people I accuse of witchcraft are womyn. To be honest, I wolde love to call out a man for being a sorcerer or warlock, but so far, I haven’t really seen one, whereas the evidence againste womyn is too great to ignore. In such cases, it becometh crucial to truste thy gut, even if thy gut is repeatedly telling thee to exclusively accuse any and all womynfolk of witchcraft.
All the towne can keep playing gender politicks, but when it cometh to saving our children from getting fed milk wrung straight from the Devil’s teat, we must not be nit-picky about whomst we burn at the stake. We do not hold the privilege of discussing gender barriers whence Satan is close to stealing our souls.
To all womyn, I just wanteth to say this: I heareth thee. I feeleth for thee. I supporteth thee. Even though all of thee are definitely witches.
Divyansh Kulshrestha is a writer-jester from the lands of India, where he enjoyeth sitting with his ink and parchment to scribble down bizarre ideas that maketh him giggle. Those who wisheth to can see his work in magazines like Flexx Mag and EOTB - Sports, and can hear his interview on the Green Light Podcast (On Ye Olde Spotify).
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