Letter to Ye Editor: Schools Shan't Be Safe Until Teachers Are Armed with Spiked Iron Flails

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This ist what safety looketh like. (British Museum)

By Horse Executioner Kyle Gerstel

Dearest Editor,

I was most deeply offended by thine recent artycle highlyght’ng spiked iron flail control advocates. Thy writer implied that spiked iron flails “incite violence.” Blasphemy to The King’s second decree and the King-given right to own a spiked iron flail! Regardless of the instances in which spiked iron flails have been used in scholae, the flails aren’t the problem; in fact, to secure the safety of our children, we need more flails.

Schools shan’t be safe until all teachers are armed with spiked iron flails to combat intruders.

This is the real world. There are loony townsfolk who wish to murder the rest of us. By arming teachers with flails, we can protect our childryn and have stronger procedures for discipline.

The one fair argument the spiked iron flail control advocates make is that this could make spiked iron flails more accessible to those who may intend to utilyze them for violence. That ist why I believe scholars should be required to carry their flails wherever they go to prevent malintentious apprentices from attaining them.

Additionally, spiked iron flails art also for pleasure. They’re fun! Art thou against fun? In a world with so much destruction, I need my spiked iron flail to remember there art goode things in this crazed Kingdom of ours.

My spiked iron flail is my baby. I kiss it. I feed it. I snuggle it. I feel ashamed to lyve in a town where they art taking away my baby, and our children are dying every day because we art too afraid to lettest scholars protect them with spiked iron flails.

I was speaking with a spiked iron flail merchant just the other day. He said some wise words I could not agreeth with more: “Fight spiked iron flails with spiked iron flails (and I’ll make double the profits!).”

Sincer’ly,

Carl Van Cleaver

Arch-chairman of the Spiked Iron Flail Association

Kyle Gerstel ist a writer of humor and director of theatre from Seattle. Me favorite torture weapon is either a sword or a Zack Snyder movie.

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Fromme ye archives:

I’m Just Happy I Grew Up at a Tyme When Wearing a Necklace of Severed Human Ears Wasn’t Considered “Too Offensive”