Father’s Day ist upon us, that sacred holiday wherein we celebrate the preeminence of our family patriarchs, those paragons of our bloodline. Since the age of our forebears, families have gathered on this hallowed afternoon to honour the reign of Man o’er his household and his ascendancy o’er his vassals.

But what is one to give the father who has it all but a legitimate male heir to carry on his noble lineage?

Clearly, as a womyn, thou art unfit to inherit his estate and bring renown to his name. And thy mother’s womb was loth to bless him with a son. So the task falls to thee to produce him a grandson and make this a Father’s Day to remember.

For the ladies amongst thee who may have forgotten once more to plan ahead and get their venerable fathers a rightful male descendant who is strong of arm and stout of heart, we hath thee covered. Herein be some last minute Father’s Day gifts in case thou forgot to give him a legitimate male heir again.

Gift Certificate to the Blacksmith

Why buy thy father a fresh codpiece or new pair of greaves when thou can give him a gift certificate to his favourite blacksmith and let him choose for himself? It may seem a basely unscrupulous gift for the lord who hath brought such distinction to thy family name. However, the flexibility it offers will have thy father forgetting the shame of thy infertility in no tyme!

An Illegitimate Male Heir Disguised as a Legitimate Male Heir

Every self-respecting lord and lady has a bastard son or two. Sure, an illegitimate male heir disguised as a legitimate one is not quite the same: a discerning eye can tell they have no right to bear thy family name, and if they were ever found out it would heap disgrace upon thy hearth in the eyes of the peerage.

And yet, if they carry themselves with grace, ‘tis certainly possible to pass them off as legitimate for a tyme. Just don’t get caught, or thee and thy bastardchild will both be hanged and thy names blotted from the hist’ries.

Fourteen Doghters

‘Tis a proven fact that one doghter is equal in strength, will, and overall value to one-fourteenth of a son. If thy loins hath seen fit to bear only doghters, be sure to pop out at least fourteen girls by Father’s Day. Thy father will acknowledge that this is about as goode as a son—at least from an economick standpoint—and will no longer tell thee everyday that he wishes thou wert a boy or dead.

Slaves

Whilst thy father, being the distinguished lord that he is, likely has many slaves already, he wouldst surely appreciate a few more. If he’s one of those “slavery is against my religious principles but I still need someone to do my labour for free” types, thou can always pick him up some serfs. All of the benefits of slaves, none of the moral equivocation!

For those amongst thee on a tight budget, here are some smaller gifts ideas.

• Pointy shoes

• A new page 46 of the Bible because he spilt mead on it after the last witch burning

• A custom chanson from the local bard, personalized with thy father’s name and sung in the great hall after Vespers

• Very loose sleeves

• A wee pinch of spice

• A flagon of mead to replace the one he spilt on his Bible

• A wall-to-wall tapestry depicting a wild boar hunt, even though he already has like ten of them in his tapestry room

• Miscellaneous lord stuff