"Kiss Me, I'm Elvish," Says Elf Who Wants to Be Kissed Because He's Sad and Alone
"Please, I need this."
Staggering drunkenly down the street yestereve, local Elf Sarwin Dúnælfen entreated passersby with the phrase “Kiss me, I’m Elvish!” whilst struggling to conceal that the true reason he wanted to be kissed was because he was sad and alone.
The phrase cometh from the legend that kissing an Elf doth bring goode luck for both kisser and kissed. And yet, in all the kisses he has received o’er the years, none of them has yet led to true love.
“I keep searching, begging, for another kiss, hoping it shall lead to something more,” lamented Dúnælfen. “Alas, ‘tis naught but a flurry of drunken pecks. Here one moment, gone the next. Each one brings with it a brief glimpse of hope, but in the end leaves me more empty inside.”
Dúnælfen says there is no creature he won’t kiss, so long as it offers at least the slightest possibility of lifting him from this solitary pit of loveless despair.
“Fairies, goblins, pagans, even Frœnchmen, I care not,” he spake. “I shall kiss them all if it gives but a moment of reprieve from this eternal lonesomeness.”
Whilst it seems nothing shall heal his forlorn heart, Dúnælfen is optimistick that there is hope yet for him, if only for a night.
“At least I can always get drunk,” he added. “Now let’s do some shots.”
Kingdom Celebrates St. Patrick’s Day by Dyeing All Unconverted Pagans Green
His Majesty The King hath ordered the entire Kingdom to be particularly festive this St. Patrick’s Day by dyeing the bodies and clothes of all unconverted pagans green.
“What better way to celebrate our Kingdom’s heritage than by publickly shaming the heathens and hereticks!” spake Royal Spokesmæster Wulfwythe Swoondrake whilst reading the Royal Decree. “Just be sure not to kiss one, lest their blasphemy rubs off on thee.”
Many peasants were surprised by the decree, seeing as The King usually reserves His precious stores of green dye for more important things, like ale. But they were nonetheless happy to comply.
“Honestly, I thought we killed all the pagans already, but I’m glad there’s still some around to dye green,” spake local peasant Geert Smythely. “They make a much easier target to pelt with cabbage during the parade.”
Any pagans unable to douse themselves in green dye are encouraged to employ some combination of the other authorized measures below:
Douse thyself in corned beef
Getteth drunk, but a sad drunk not a happy drunk
Donate a pot o’ gold to a local leprechaun orphanage
Convert to Christianity
Gone with ye pagans,
Gone with ye snakes,
Let’s getteth sozzled,
‘Tis St. Patrick’s Day!