Kinky Stonemason Into Buttress Stuff
"Flying buttresses, clasping buttresses. I'm down for all of it."
Noting that his tastes were far outside the bounds of generally accepted masonry techniques, a kinky local mason was not shy to admit that he was “totally into buttress stuff.”
“Regular buttresses, flying buttresses, heck, even clasping buttresses. I’m down for all of it,” spake Gesemer Masonson. “A lot of people think it’s weird and un-masonlike to be so into buttress stuff, but that’s just who I am.”
For a long tyme, Masonson hid his love of buttress stuff from colleagues out of embarrassment. But eventually he confessed to his boss that he couldn’t bear to build another cathedral unless they slapped on a bunch of thick, shapely buttresses to support the walls.
To his surprise, everyone loved the idea. Coworkers said they respected his being so open about his architectural preferences, and that many of them had been secretly interested in buttress stuff for years but were too scared to admit it. His foreman appreciated having an employee like Masonson who was willing to push the bounds of the profession and stick his construction ideas in new and exciting places.
“Before Masonson joined my crew, I never even considered trying buttress stuff,” spake Master Mason Froderick Mastermason. “The first few tymes hurt, I’ll admit. Trying to get the engineering right stretched my project management skills to the max.
“But once word got out that it was okay to do buttress stuff, everyone in the crew was onboard. It has really widened our skillsets, and its impacts have reached around to all of our major construction projects.”
Masonson says firm, well-built buttresses have inspired him in both his personal and professional lyfe.
“When I see the boys out on the construction site with their hard, chiseled apses slathering mortar all over a tight buttress-to-be, that really inspires me to be a better stonemason,” he spake. “I ne’er used to bring my work home with me, for fear of what my wyfe might say. But it turns out she’s into buttress stuff, too! We have since incorporated all sorts of architectural blueprints and masonry tools into our love lyfe.”
As much as Masonson loves digging in deep on a buttress project, he stresses that safety ist paramount.
“Buttresses aren’t a magick solution to supporting our cathedrals’ walls, although pounding one into place feels magick sometymes,” spake Masonson. “‘Tis important to always use protection when handling buttresses, such as a helmet to protect thy head from falling debris, and a codpiece to protect thy pœnis.”
In other news:
‘Tis a tough tyme to be a peasant, especially if thy body ist engulfed in flames. According to a new survey, such is the case for o’er half of the Kingdom.
“Luckily, most of the cases of people being on fyre hath come from the lower classes,” sayeth Royal Surgeon Dr. Jeclonius Sphłînt. “If we started seeing the nobility spontaneously burst into flames or otherwise burn to ashe on a regular basis, then that might be cause for alarm.”
Whomst among us hath not gazed upon a well-laid arch and thought, "Verily."