How to Train Thy Dragon to Sit, Fetch, and Incinerate Thine Enemies
By Horse Executioner Kyle Gerstel
So ye thinks ye have what it takes to train a dragon? Perchance ye dost. Perchance ye dost not. Perchance we bett’r wait and see.
Hither art some of my favourite tricks. They can be challenging to teach, even tiring, but if ye stick with it, thy dragon and thee wilt be the chatter of the Kingdom in nay tyme.
How to Train Thy Dragon to Sit
A fyne trick for ye beginners to start with. Thither be two diff’r’nt methods for training thy dragon to sit. Method the first be called ye psychology of reverse. Tell thy dragon that ye nay want him to sit, so he sits in spite of ye.
Method the second be called baiting. This is whither ye use a food or item thy dragon desires to lure him into a sitting position. From mine experience, I recommend a lollipop or merman salad. Though this be a simple trick, if thou becomest a master baiter, thou wilt find that it can give yerself greater pleasure than any other method!
How to Train Thy Dragon to Fetch
If thy dragon needs exercise, thither be nay better game than fetch. Firstly, tell thy dragon that he is a disappointment. This wilt inspire him to find thee a token of apology. Then, inscribe “fetch” on the token with ash. After inscribing, throw the token and say, “Oh nay, can thou go grab that token of apology for me?”
If thou dost this enough times, he wilt associate the activity with the word fetch and thou wilt eventually be able to stop pretending that he’s a disappointment to thee. Dragons usually catch on to the game quite quickly compared to other creatures. When I was a wee tot, I never understood the game, so me mum had to continue pretending that I was a disappointment to her deathbed when she was killed by “the plague”—that’s what we called her evil twin sister, Sheila.
How to Train Thy Dragon to Incinerate Thine Enemies
A riotous trick for festivals! If ye teach thy dragon well, thou wilt be beloved by many. If ye dost not, ye may have a lawsuit on thine hands, so listen up.
Firstly, ye have to decide who thine enemies are—thou can hate many a folk, but having a true enemy is rare. If thou art having trouble finding one, I recommend scrolling throughst the various social mediums.
After deciding upon an enemy, thou must train thy dragon to dislike him. If thine enemy is thy dragon, this wilt be easier since self-loathing is the most popular kind. Tactics I recommend include telling thy dragon that thine enemy is a peasant rebel, thine enemy believes dragons aren’t worthy of being treated as well as humans, and thine enemy sayeth “bruh” unironically.
Finally, give thy dragon access to materials he can use to incinerate: timber, a matchstick, et cetera. Eventually, thy dragon wilt be so fed up with the idea of the existence of a dragon-hating, bruh-saying peasant that he wilt destroy whomever ye say is thine enemy
I hope these tips and tricks helped thee and thy dragon. If ye try one of my methods and it works, pray send a groat my way. Best of luck to thee!
Kyle Gerstel ist a writer of humour and director of theatre from Seattle whose favourite torture weapon is either a sword or a Zack Snyder movie.
Fromme ye archives:
How to Traineth Thy Rotund Pet Dragon Not to Eat Geoff
Hast thy rotund pet dragon been trying to eat Geoff at every opportunity?
Hath thy commands and training techniques for keeping his appetite in cheque been for naught?
Whilst ‘tis true that human flesh is a healthy snack for dragons, thy dragon needeth to keep his weight under control, and we kind of like Geoff and don’t wanteth him to be eat’n. Herein be some tips for keeping thy corpulent beast from feasting upon Geoff.
‘“Tis a myth that pet dragons only respond to strict discipline and punishm’nt,” sayeth expert dragon trainer Müsselfoot Tüffdayle. “Dragons beeth kind creatures at heart, and ‘tis important to reward their goode behaviour with small treats like fingers and peasant toes.”
Teacheth Geoff to Bee Calm
Dragons art emotive beasts and can senseth unease in the people ‘round them. ‘Tis possible that thy dragon keeps trying to eat Geoff because he is always high-strung and jumpy. Encourage him to stop being a jumpy-Geoff and relax, and thy dragon will feed off his calming energy.
Practice Thy Commands
‘Tis important thou practices commands with thy dragon, such as “sit,” “shake,” and “burneth that village.” And, of course, rewardeth his obedience with a tasty femur or serfchop!
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